I wrote this an example for my year 8 students, wondered what you guys thought of it as an opening, currently it is extremely short because I needed an example for the assignment I set, but could be worked into something longer:
"I was adopted by my own father and mother. Few people can say that. In my case my parents could never admit that I was their child, I was their greatest crime, their greatest shame, but I was also the expression of their greatest achievement, their love.
I was gifted to my brother as a companion, I was to be his Fool and he was to be my Prince. I don’t know if anyone ever told Joshua that I was his brother, I don’t think anyone really needed to, we knew each other in a way deeper than words.
Graham was our brother, the middle child. Where I might have been happy with my fate Graham found it difficult to bend his knee to a younger full blood brother, he must have expected people to support him if they knew the truth, instead they just"
Just wondering if people would turn the page.
Grant
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I'd turn the page because I like the concept, but I'd be ready to put it down if the run-ons and comma splices kept up.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
i had to stop and puzzle out relationships. I take it the oldest boy was born out of wedlock, the middle boy was legitimate, and the youngest resented not being the apparent oldest? its sounds like it would have been a difficult situation to pull off, I would be interested in learning more about how and why the parents did it, but a little less brain work to do to decipher the beginning might have made it more fun to read and easier to engage.
Posted by Howjos (Member # 2441) on :
I would keep reading, though the third paragraph didn't seem very strong to me. I liked the splicing in the first two paragraphs. I liked the idea, that I saw anyway of a person being a possesion to be given at will where others see fit. The character seems very happy with his circumstances, even though he is aware it is very unusual.
quote:Graham found it difficult to bend his knee to a younger full blood brother, he must have expected people to support him if they knew the truth, instead they just
I think my problem in here revolves around the "younger full blood brother". This seems very clunky to me. Also why is the middle son subject to the younger son? It seems strange to me that the oldest son is given to the youngest as a companion and 'fool' rather than to the next one born. How would the parents know that a third one would be born? and what did the older one do, how was he treated, in the intervening years?
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I'd keep reading because the concept is interesting, but starting a story with an info dump is usually a bad idea. In your case, I'd start the story with a scene, probably a dialogue between his brother and him, him acting like a "Fool" (buffon?), _then_ I'd insert the couple paragraphs of exposition.