Do you know how long it takes to grow a heart in the man who has none? To seed a soul, sprout a conscience in the stony field of the dank and loveless mind? I do. Eight hundred and seventy three years, two months, one week. That is how long it took for me to learn to weep for others as I wept for myself. To feel the faint prickles of a tender heart, stirred by compassion, pity, love – all those finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar. They are mine at last, to cherish, hoard, examine over and over again like precious jewels. Jewels indeed, for my time with them is short. This miracle will never have time to grow old, as so much on this churning old rock has done.
For here is the irony – knowing at last what it is to drink
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 14, 2007).]
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
Great voice.
"finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar": the alliteration might have put me off in other settings, but I think it works with this flavor you've created.
"To seed a soul": when I read this, I thought I was getting a method, the answer to the preceding question. "To seed a soul, sprout a conscience in a stony field. It'll take you about two months. Add a dash of camaraderie..." Not sure how / if you want to fix that, but there it is...
I thought you started to slip just as the first 13 ended. "can we truly say we love when we are not ready to sacrifice self to preserve..." just seemed to take too long to get wherever it was going, and it's not poetic. The narrator has become pragmatic at this point with "I have no choice but to die." Maybe you make him pragmatic in this sentence, too. I have an example if you want to know what I mean, but I'll only post it if you want it.
Still, I'd turn the page hoping that the rest of the story was as good as that first paragraph.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Nice prose. The first three sentences give the impression that the narrator is affecting someone else (as an alchemist might do), but then it becomes clear that he is speaking of himself abstractly. "Is that what she intended?" he asked rhetorically.
I didn't get the meaning of this: "..., as so much on this churning old rock has done."
I didn't follow the conclusion. If the heart was grown to perfection, then it would not be defective (and therefore incapable of sacrifice). On the other hand, are defective and perfect hearts certain to be faced with a situation requiring sacrifice?
That aside, it has a good voice. If you want it to sound more masculine, you might consider throwing in a rude noise or two
WouldBe
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Very well done - lyrical - captivating. I also had a question about the "old rock" as WouldBe noted.
also a nit - "...stirred by compassion, pity, love - all those finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar." I smiled at seeing "compassion, pity and love" in the same sentence as "politicians". Politicians, especially these days, are not held in high regard. For me, "statesmen" would be a better fit.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
This would keep me reading, for the poetry and the change that has clearly happened to the MC.
The following line may be an improvement (but may not)
To seed a soul, to sprout a conscience in the stony field of a dank and loveless mind?
I will, however, be ready for the story soon.
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
So he receives, or earns, enlightenment only to realize that it's a parting gift ... how sad,
Eight hundred years!? No pity for him. That's plenty of time.
I'll cast a dissenting opinion on one point - You're poking fun, derision, at those who roar, so they should be politicians.
The character is all you've presented, but that's enough to hook. Then there's the alchemy part. There's more coming.
I'm hooked enough to read it when it's to the point it's ready for readers.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
FWIW, I agree with JeffBarton and disagree with Nitewriter about "politicians". Only the crass would roar about compassion, pity, and love. I thought it was a nice, subtle jab.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
this old rock refers to earth - he is speaking from a nearly present-day perspective. I'll post the re-write later today, after I wake up.
And Oliverhouse, I would be delighted to see your example. Thanks.
And I am pretty sure I am still not doing the fill in the window thing write (I mean right) , Kathleen. I'm going to take what you've cut it to and repaste it in the window to see if I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I hate it when I do that!
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 14, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I just repasted and recounted, and it's only thirteen if you count the space between graphs as a line of text. I thought we didn't have to do that, so I've been putting in the extra lines between just to make the graphs stick out more clearly. But, I do feel better about my ability to count to 13, so I'll just keep it in mind for the future.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 14, 2007).]
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
Kathleen, I had the same issue the last time I posted a first 13. I used 12-point Courier New in Word with 1" margins, took 13 lines, and pasted it in, and -- since they're supposed to be identical -- assumed that it would be okay. What I pasted in represented my first manuscript page exactly (Though I used extra blank lines to represent new paragraphs, since indentation goes away on the Web page.) But I got a line cut, too.
Deb, when you wrote, "...I have no choice but to die. For can we truly say we love when we are not ready to sacrifice self to preserve..." I thought that you were talking about the demand that love places on the lover.
So why not just say that? "...I have no choice but to die. For what else does love demand?"
There might be other ways to say it, too, depending on whether you really want it to be a question: "Love demands as much." for instance, or "For love insists on sacrifice."
You get the idea.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited August 14, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
i think i say almost exactly that, several times, 'cause i'm just perseverative as heck sometimes. You're right, I can just cut to the chase on that one and stop dancing around, I think.
Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said--but the style/voice drew me in pretty nicely. Nice characterization, too--dramatic, yet subtle. I'd definitely read on.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Mark, I'll hold you to that!
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
"You're poking fun, derision at those who roar, so they should be politicians."
This is a good point, and one I failed ot catch in the reading. I agree.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
nitewriter, I think I missed it, too, but now that someone has pointed out how clever it was, I'll be glad to take credit Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
for those of you who are willing, Alchemy: the Monk's Story is finished. It came in at a whopping 16,000 words, so be prepared! This is more a historical fantasy, with no fairies, swords or ducks. Be ye forwarned, all who enter here.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Throw it my way, if you would like to. I'll see how long it takes .
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I'm always happy to read your stuff.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
And if you need more readers I'd be glad to.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Deb
I sent you a critique, but it got bounced.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Brenden, I am having some problem with my spam filter, I think. I'll send you an email, maybe you could just reply and attach? And I'll check my spam filter.
Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :
I'll take a look. I can't promise to read the whole thing straight away, but I will send you something back ;-)
Adam xxx
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
No, it failed, both with and without an attachment. You have a viscious spam filter there. Perhaps you could get a webmail account for the purpose of this?
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
i took the spam filter off completely. what kind of message are you getting?
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Here is a copy of the message that I got
Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
<debhoag@juno.com>: 64.136.28.83 failed after I sent the message. Remote host said: 550 Access denied...04d52d753135196c0ca928f5a9a995d9dd18f86c0d09085d6c71f898c898917148717169b568e8...
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I'll shoot you my email at work tomorrow, i didn't think of it today while i was there.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Deb
Dont forget the email.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Brendan, just sent you an email, hope this works! Thanks for your patience.
, Kathleen. I'm going to take what you've cut it to and repaste it in the window to see if I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I hate it when I do that!