Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Never a Change For Tradition

This is topic Never a Change For Tradition in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

This is a dark fantasy short story I originally wrote when I was 17. I've been looking at it again and want to give it a new lease of life, to see if I can get it published. Length: 3000 words.

Kisses. Kisses and kisses and fingers and cherry vodka lollipops. All in this darkness: kisses. A modern crypt below ground, fifteen feet by fifteen feet, cushioned walls and slithers of silk against naked bodies. One small doorway, top corner, thirteen feet up; opened only by four pressure-points that must be met by twenty fingers and four hands in complete unison. Easy now.

No record of this modern crypt exists: this private cell, padded and blackened with darkness but light as day to their now-nocturnal eyes. No record, or records, because all were deleted from government computers. No visitors. No bills.

In this darkness, broken pieces of cherry vodka

[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited September 01, 2007).]

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

Hum. Had to read a couple of times. Your language here is very stylized (although it means I can't do my usual method of critiquing).

How many are in the padded crypt? How long have they been there? How do they get up 13 feet to apply the 20 pressure points simultaneously? Why would the government bother immuring them in this arcane manner - much easier to just shoot (are silver bullets implied) and bury. Unless you're doing it on a grand scale, in which case you come up with 'humane' and environmentally low impact methods like the Nazis did.

But as dark fantasy, I suppose the point is to titillate the reader into an ecstasy of sorts without reference to whether the behavior in the implied world is rational.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Thanks for your comments. That was very quick!

The records of the room have been deleted *from* Government computers, but it's never revealed by whom. There are two people in the chamber, which is revealed in the next paragraph, and they are described climbing up trees effortlessly, etc, so the implication is that they scuttle up the wall to push the pressure points.

If anyone would like to read the full m/s as it is, let me know. It might be easier to comment on the whole piece, as this opening is very stylised and thus there may not be much to easily comment on.

Cheers

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I had to read it a couple of times too, I'd probably prefer a gentler, simplified opening to lure the reader in before letting loose. Having said that I loved "slithers of silk against naked bodies."

Even reading it twice, I still couldn't understand "padded and blackened with darkness" - seemed strange to me.

Still, it is interesting and you have a nice hook.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

The line 'padded and blackened with darkness', although it might read as one clause, is two. The room was padded, and it was blackened with darkness. I may have to re-word this.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I, too, read this multiple times. And I also had questions (are these chocolate kisses and ladyfingers, or real kisses and fingers?), but that's good: I want to keep going to find out the answers. (Of course, I won't be happy if the questions aren't answered!)

I'll be happy to read this.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Thanks. I have emailed it out now. Turn around time isn't an issue, as I have no deadlines for this piece. It was a piece I wrote a few years ago and want to update to a publishable standard.

Cheers