Hatrack River Writers Workshop: MY WOTF Entry (the Polished Magnum Opus)

This is topic MY WOTF Entry (the Polished Magnum Opus) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

It's all or nothing, I've already sent it. I've posted the 13 lines of the rough draft. Here's the polished MAGNUM OPUS:

Pantroth lived for battle. The spear and sword were art forms in which he was a master. There was a cadence in the clash of steel and flesh on the battlefield, a tempo that moved him. A death here bestowed honor and glory on a warrior, redemption for the sins of past, not like the dishonorable whimpers of the disabled, cowardly, or infirm.

He reaped dispassionately through the enemy, like a farmer through a wheat field. The soldiers that surrounded him were nervous or anxious, new recruits lined up for the slaughter. They followed him; stood or advanced in his wake. They needed to be shown what to do.

Not Pantroth. He was just what Captain Kathar wanted him to be: a stone-cold-killer. He would willingly show the

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Solid.

Best of luck with this! Fingers are crossed!

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

Yes, good luck IB!

All this talk of WOTF has made me feel a little left out, think I'll have to send one of my own in tomorrow

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

It sounds very good. It inspires me to enter something, too:

Grandroth lived for battle. The spear and sword were...something like that.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Excellent! Good luck, IB!

And yeah, I'm thinking maybe I need to kick myself here and get something entered.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

My take:

quote:
It's <--What is? all or nothing, I've already sent it. [Sent what?]

Kidding! Best of luck, Babbler!

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 10, 2007).]

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

LOL at oliverhouse.

Good luck with your entry, IB. I'm feeling a little behind the 8 ball since I haven't decided what to submit, nor polished it, and I remember this story's first 13 posted waaay earlier in the summer. Oh boy, better get myself to work!

Good luck with this, it looks great!

Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :

Good luck, IB. Looks like a really strong hook to me.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Hope we get to read it in the next addition of WOTF

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Nice revision IB. Fingers crossed for you.

N-

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

My take:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's <--What is? all or nothing, I've already sent it. [Sent what?]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LoL, oliverhouse. You do a pretty good impression. Lucky I'm not like Dennis Miller and the "That's just my opinion..." that he claims as his catch phrase, he'd sue.

Thanks for everyone's good wishes.

Posted by LordPoochie (Member # 6174) on :

Hmm. Pantroth seems distinctly non-human. I might expect him to be a robot or alien or something. If he is in fact human, I can't imagine him to be so dispassionate in a life-or-death situation.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Pantroth is a pretty tough guy

. Like Conan, but with more calluses. Good Luck, IAB!

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Nice simile, "like a farmer through wheat," that was excellent.

It's a good piece but I just read it for the first time, and it felt a little disorienting in places. Mostly I mean the second paragraph.

"He reaped dispassionately through the enemy," good imagery, and I see him clearly carving his way through his foes like Sauron in the prologue of the LOTR movie.

But the very next line "The soldiers that surrounded him were nervous," makes me think that the soldiers he is fighting are nervous, since that's where we last saw him, surrounded by enemies and killing them all. Of course they're nervous...

"new recruits lined up for the slaughter," again I am imagining his enemies, since they are the ones who surround him (as far as I could tell)

"they need to be shown what to do," what, die? And at this point I suddenly realize these soldiers around him are his allies. That wasn't very clear to me, since, after-all, if he's reaping his way through his enemies it's probably his enemies that are most closely around him. If not, that's something worth pointing out, I think.