When the first frame of the video feed came up, the single thought that stopped her mind in its tracks and brought everything to a screeching halt, was that the robot staring back at her was Paul.
It was impossible, of course, but something within didn't allow that denial to surface until the moment after the air came screeching back into her lungs. A shiver raced down her spine and she blinked. Her awareness that it was not Paul on the screen, staring back at her through space and time, came in a rush and she raised her hand to cover her mouth.
It had been so long since she had thought of him. And for these memories to flood into her mind in such an unexpected manner was completely unfair. But when had life ever been
Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.
Edit: I have a new, updated 13 that is a few posts down. Suggestions on those 13 instead of these would be best. Thanks.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by WriterDan (edited October 05, 2007).]
The scene has promise, but I thought the execution needed a little work. There was a lot of repetitive imagery and thought in the beginning, and consequently, some of the items that would make the work more compelling were missing. Who is Paul? Is Paul an old robot of hers, an old lover, or estranged family member? I think establishing this right off the bat would help make the scene more tense. Also, I think you could introduce the main character a little more strongly. Make her the subject in the beginning, and give her a name. I think you need to give a hint, too, what the story is, why this Paul character is so important to her, why it's so weird that she thinks the robot is he, at first.
Also, you start off with several cliches: her mind stopping in its tracks, everything screeching to a halt, shiver racing down her spine (though this one works, I think), life not being fair.
A line-by-line:
When the first frame of the video feed came up, the single thought that stopped her mind in its tracks and brought everything to a screeching halt, was that the robot staring back at her was Paul. Wordy. The construction necessitates the use of the word "was" twice. You have both her mind stopping in its tracks and everything screeching to a halt, both cliches, and redundant. Furthermore, you introduce the the MC in sort of an oblique, passive way. I'd rather have her (and give her a name) as the subject of the sentence.
It was impossible, of course "Of course"? Having just been introduced to the situation, I have no idea what to make of this situation. As far as I know, it could very well be possible., but something What? This is too vague. within didn't allow that denial I think I'm missing what you mean by "denial". It seems to me she's already in denial, thinking the robot is Paul. to surface until the moment after the air came screeching repeated use of "screeching" doesn't work for me here--it feels sloppy. Also, can air really "screech" into your lungs? back into her lungs.Again, very wordy, and feels passive in its construction because the subject is not "She" whoever she is, but "something". A shiver raced down her spine and she blinked. Her awareness that it was not Paul on the screen, staring back at her through space and time, came in a rush and she raised her hand to cover her mouth. This seems to repeat and summarize what we've just gone through, even though she's progressed in her reaction somewhat. I'm still waiting for the story to move along.
It had been so long How long? A few weeks? Ten years? This is too subjective to mean anything to me. since she had thought of him. And for these memories What memories? You haven't talked about any memories yet. to flood into her mind in such an unexpected manner was completely unfair. But when had life ever been fair.You need a "?" at the end of this. Also, this is pretty cliche. So far, You've got three cliches worked in here. And the fact that she thinks this is unfair makes her seem, well, a little whiny and immature. The words what words? Do you mean "But when had life ever been fair"? Maybe it would work to italicize these words to make them sound more like words she's actually hearing in her mind.– not hers, but his – caught in her throat as they came
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 19, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 19, 2007).]
My take:
quote:
When the first frame of the video feed came up, the single thought that stopped her[Who?] mind in its tracks [and brought everything to a screeching halt<--You just said this with "stopped in it's tracks". Anything else is redundant.], was that the robot staring back at her was Paul.
It was impossible, of course, but something within didn't allow that denial to surface[,] until the moment after the air came screeching back into her lungs.<--Long sentence saying nothing after, "It was impossible". And it makes me wonder WHY it's impossible.] A shiver raced down her spine and she blinked. [Her awareness that it was not Paul on the screen, staring back at her through space and time, came in a rush and she raised her hand to cover her mouth.<--You just said this, with the entire paragraph. You could switch a few words around and make this sentence the paragraph, and start developing the story line.[/b]]
It had been so long since she had thought of him. And for these memories to flood into her mind[,] in such an unexpected manner[,] was completely unfair. But when had life ever been fair[?] The words – not hers, but his – caught in her throat as they came
Biggest problems with this are:
Suggest simplifying; something like:
When the video feed came up, Kate (or whatever her name is) was stunned into silence. Her hand came up to her mouth. It took a moment to register that it was not Paul on the screen -- it was a robot. It couldn't have been Paul: Paul was dead. It seems the Evil Robot Monkeys had made an exact copy. Why?
Hope this helps.
*****************
Janna stopped cold at her first impression that the robot in the still-frame video shot was her fiancé, Paul. Paul had been dead for eleven years.
A shiver slid down her spine. Realization that it was not Paul staring back at her through space and time, but only a simple robot, came in a rush and she let out a quick, stuttering breath in its wake. Differences that she should have noticed beforehand suddenly became apparent. In fact, almost everything about the robot’s face now seemed different than what she remembered of Paul’s.
It had been so long since he had entered her thoughts. And for all her memories of him to come rushing back now was completely unfair. But when had life ever been fair. The words
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 01, 2007).]
Also:
"Realization that it was not Paul staring back at her through space and time, but only a simple robot, came in a rush and she let out a quick, stuttering breath in its wake."
This is a bit awkward. Perhaps it would help if you gave us the information that she is looking at a robot before or after this sentence, and took out "but only a simple robot". Also, it seems a bit odd to me that a realization would "let out a quick, shuttering breath". (Obviously you didn't mean this literally 
, but still, it doesn't work for me.)
I'll be happy to read the rest of it.
Jon.
quote:
the single thought that stopped her mind in its tracks and brought everything to a screeching halt,
quote:
It was impossible, of course, but something within didn't allow that denial to surface until the moment after the air came screeching back into her lungs.
quote:
It had been so long since she had thought of him. And for these memories to flood into her mind in such an unexpected manner was completely unfair. But when had life ever been
Good
Hope that helped.