---------------------------------------------------------
My white town hangs from a cliff over a ravine with a dwindling river, in the archipelago that was once the Iberian Peninsula, in the middle of the Great Sea.
What little land we have, we need for planting, so the villagers carve homes for themselves from the mountain, using the limestone as whitewash and walling themselves into the Earth with brick and plaster. It is the ultimate living space, one that encloses you so completely that you have no fear of escape. After swimming free all my life, it's difficult to believe that I could grow accustomed to being buried alive, but I've come to enjoy the feeling of smothering safety.
On the nights when the moon is full and calls the river up to lap its shore, I dig deep inside my house and feel as

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 05, 2007).]
 

1) It feels a little info-dump-ish.

2) Who/what is telling the story? I should know who or what I'm following.

3) Maybe some of this could be better left to later: I can't really relate to "no fear of escape". I don't know why someone that is used to "swimming free" would express this. IMHO you need to string this through the character a little more.

4)I don't feel any conflict coming on.

However, I like the world-building (but then, you seem to have little trouble with that aspect--ever ), and the images that you put in my head. I just have nothing to attach them to.
 

The word escape caused me to go back and re-read because I thought I must have missed something that would cause that word choice to make more sense. I love the way you mix poetry into your writing, but that one is distracting.

A clue as to at least the gender of the protag would be nice. It would make it a little more comfortable since we can’t actually hear his or her voice in our head and after a few lines of first person dialog my brain doest protest. It could be subtle or more direct. If it’s a girl you could say “the men carve homes for themselves” and I would already be on track with the idea that this is probably a girl and said brain shall begin to apply correct voice.

Interestingly, when not supplied with sufficient id my brain defaults to James Earl Jones (voice of Darth Vader). Can you fix that Dr. Genge?

Tracy

 

I think I assumed that it was a younger female. I am wondering if I assumed that because I know that Sara is a young (ish) female or whether the clues are in the text. The protag says "my town" which implies young. Like a teenager that lives with her parents and says "my house" but later on into her twenties will say "our house" if she still lives there. "My parents house" is a little too self-demeaning but "my house" conflicts too much with her own growing sense of self worth. So I think she's young because she says "my town". I'm also leaning towards female because only a very young boy would say "my town". A young man would already feel too much part of the mechanism of the community to use such a singular possessive word as, “my”. I think it would defy the sense of agricultural community he would already have even in his teens. Even a 13 year-old boy would probably say “our town” after already working with the men a few years. To say “my town” would be to ignore the men and women he likely already admires. Younger girls probably feel less connected to the community they grow up in because they often end up in another town in a different family though marriage. It’s been that way for thousands of years.

Or did I read way too much into way too little? lol

Tracy
 

As to the question:I don't think that the phrase "my town" hints at any age or gender."My town", "My home town", or "My island" have been used ambiguously in songs, movies, television shows, and print. (I guess I think you're reading a little too much into it .) You've never heard: "This is my town...", "Let me show you around my town.", or "You can't mess with me in my town." from any adult males? That's kind of odd. Maybe it's that in combination with the other mentioned details: planting (instead of farming); everyone else "carves homes for themselves" and "walls themselves in", the protagonist appears to have that done for him/her; the poetry in "the moon is full and called the river up to lap at its shore" that make the protagonist seem feminine. I don't think the protagonist is entirely human. It sounds like some sort of mutant or mermaid-type to me.

However, Sara, upon a second read, I'm confused by the river/sea. I can't picture and archipelago in a river. I can picture one of the islands in an archipelago with a river in/on/disecting it.

 

I felt the last line (On the nights. . .) served as a better hook than what you have right now. The first line confused me a bit. The word "hangs" made me initially think this was a town of tiny people (the size of fairies) and that their town literally hung from a cliff. Then I got to "What little land we have. . ." and realized that wasn't so. Maybe "clings" is a better word?

The second paragraph is nothing but exposition and slows it down. I think this info could be woven in later in the story.

Overall, I think the voice is consistent and right on so far.
 

So you are leaning to the feminine side but for different reasons. Hmmm, I think that Sara should offer cash and prizes to whoever comes the closest to identifying her protag off her text. Or at least a free bottle of aspirin.

Pongo

BTW I like to use peoples names if I know them. I wasn't sure what Debhoag's actual name is. Now I do. Hi Deborah, or Debbie ... (I'm guessing you don't want to be called Hoag). I'm Tracy. Too busy to do this during the summer but I have more time now so I'll see you around Hatrack.

 

quote:

---

I wasn't sure what Debhoag's actual name is. Now I do. Hi Deborah, or Debbie ... (I'm guessing you don't want to be called Hoag).

---

I don't suppose it really matters, but people on Hatrack tend to call Debhoag "Deb" and me (DebbieKW) "Debbie" to avoid confusion.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited October 07, 2007).]
 

quote:

---

This is the story I want you to tell my child.
I know you won't enjoy telling him about dry land. I know you'll hate me with each breath that delivers my story, but I also know you'll say the words with feeling and conviction. You'll follow my wishes to the letter, Mother, because this is the mer way. Even a traitor has rights and even a traitor's story deserves to be heard. It is the law, and although you may not want to acknowledge it, those rights were voiced in open air before they were squeaked underwater, scribbled in paper before they were carved in stone.
You deny that merfolk evolved from humans. It is your right to do so, but it is my right to have you tell my child what I see fit. The condemned man has a right to a last meal; the merman has a right to a few last words.

---

The one thing that strikes me about the second opening is that it is quite wordy. You repeat yourself several times, diminishing the impact of words like 'traitor'. Here is how I would edit it:

quote:

---

This is the story I want you to tell my child.
I know you won't enjoy telling him about dry land. I know you'll hate me with each breath that delivers my story is her hate really that strong?, but I also know you'll say the words with feeling and conviction. You'll follow my wishes to the letter, Mother, because this is the mer way. Even a traitor has rights . end sentence here . It is the law,(( and although you may not want to acknowledge it )) Delete this; we alredy know his mother is reluctant. The rest of the sentence is great, those rights were voiced in open air before they were squeaked underwater, scribbled in paper before they were carved in stone.
You deny that merfolk evolved from humans. It is your right to do so, but it is my right to have you tell my child what I see fit. ((The condemned man has a right to a last meal; the merman has a right to a few last words. )) Delete this too; it's unnecessary

---

Again, when this story is complete, I'd love to read it.

[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 13, 2007).]
 

[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited October 14, 2007).]
 

...After swimming free all my life, it's difficult to believe that a merman could grow accustomed to being buried alive, but I've come to enjoy the feeling of smothering safety.

Now to the second opening: a couple of changes could reduce the info-dump feel and passiveness:

You deny that merfolk evolved from humans. It is your right to do so, but it is my right to have you tell my child what I see fit.

Merfolk evolved from humans, Mother. We both have the right to believe differently.

Even a traitor has rights and even a traitor's story deserves to be heard. It is the law, and although you may not want to acknowledge it, those rights were voiced in open air before they were squeaked underwater, scribbled in paper before they were carved in stone.

I tell my story because even a traitor has this right, which was voiced in open....

I've never read for you and would be pleased, if you need others.

--WouldBe

 

-BoredCRow
(though I'm sure cows can be bored too)
 

I'll send it in as soon as it's readable. I just realized today that it's missing a scene. I don't know where this scene goes or what should be in it, but the story is most certainly needing it.
 

I jest not:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin
 

The total word length is 5500 and these first thirteen (both of them) have been pushed back into the story to places where they go better.

Anyone want a go?

[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited October 30, 2007).]
 

Cheers
 

Anyone else?
 

Thanks!