WouldBe: would Clarity-doo-dah be an acceptable name change?
Hi all,
Here's the start of a sci-fi piece that I've started writing. It's not complete yet, but since this is the first true sci-fi story I've ever written, I'm curious how effective the beginning is.
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from her village, and waited for her turn to die. She closed her eyes, and took in her last moments: the sun warm on her face, the cry of a hawk overhead, the sound of leaves rustling in the late summer breeze.
At the front of the line, a little four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother. “I don’t want to die.”
“You have to, baby,” his mother said, tears running down on her face. “If you don’t take the medicine to put you in a near-death state, and go deep underground, the autumn plague will find you. If that happens, we won’t ever be able to wake you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s like going to sleep,”
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 13, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited August 08, 2008).]
Nits: "...tears running down {on - delete) her face."
The second sentence is long. You might consider breaking it up by putting a period after "...moments."
"...the sound of leaves rustling in the late summer breeze."
"...leaves rustling in the late summer breeze." - "the sound of" seems extraneous since we know she is hearing them. Also, if the leaves are rustling the impression I have is that this is already autumn - past late summer - for the leaves to have dropped.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited October 09, 2007).]
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from her village, and waited for her turn to die [Can't decide if the comma is necessary or not]. She closed her eyes, [Same here - my comma radar isn't fuinctioning today. My feeling is that this one is extraneous] and took in her last moments: the sun warm on her face, the cry of a hawk overhead, the sound of leaves rustling in the late summer breeze.
At the front of the line, a little four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother. “I don’t want to die.”
“You have to, baby,” his mother said, tears running down on her face. “If you don’t take the medicine to put you in a near-death state, and go deep underground, the autumn plague will find you. If that happens, we won’t ever be able to wake you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s like going to sleep,” This last feels info-dumpy. Not sure I'd use the words 'near-death state' to reassure anyone, least of all a small child.'
However, you asked if it was effective as a beginning. I'd read on (though the info-dump did seem clumsy) to see what happened next.
quote:
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from her village, omit comma--the following phrase is a dependant clause and waited for her turn to die. She closed her eyes, same with this comma and took in her last moments: comma would be just fine here, rather than a colon the sun warm on her face, the cry of a hawk overhead, the sound of leaves rustling in the late summer breeze.At the front of the line, a little four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother. “I don’t want to die.”
“You have to, baby,” his mother said, tears running down on her face. “If you don’t take the medicine to put you in a near-death state, and go deep underground, the autumn plague will find you. If that happens, we won’t ever be able to wake you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s like going to sleep,”
“You have to, baby,” his mother said, tears running down on her face.
Most people would ignore this, but I feel that a modifying phrase should point to the most recent word before the comma. Thus, I'd personally use "said his mother," before the comma. No one will be confused by the current wording, so it's just a personal nit.
Personally, I don't like the misleading paragraph. Waiting to die, taking in her last moments, both tell us one thing. We later learn this isn't true. If Clare knows it isn't really, really death, then I feel somewhat cheated. This means from the first paragraph I have a bit of distrust for the author and character.
Now, my nits.
I agree about the mother not saying “near-death state” to a four-year old. Also, you ruin the “die” business. I think Claire would think of it as dying. Kids don’t grasp some differences that grownups do.
Mom would probably say something more like – It’s just like going to sleep. And you like to dig holes, don’t you? And put things in them for safekeeping.
And then dad kneels down and, since mom’s already done the “it’s like sleep,” would say something about seeing him later. Being together again at a better time...when things are better. Then the autumn plague first mention could come real soon after this – for me.
But, good work.
...took in her last moments.
If these are actually her last moments, don't tell us what she is doing. Just show us...(sun on her face, cry of a hawk)...this is good. Also, saying "last moments" is kind of redundant. We know she's going to die.
...medicine to put you in a...
This sounds like an info dump. Also, it's from a mother to a 4-year-old. "near-death state" isn't something that I'd say to my 4-year-old. Use simpler language. Also, how old are all of these kids? How old do you have to be to stay awake through the plague? If they're all young enough, the parents would probably just tell them that they're going to go to sleep, like the dad did later. The 4-year-old could just be scared of the dark. This happens occasionally with my kids. I agree that "my turn to die" is kind of cheating because they all know that they're not really going to die.
I like your writing. It's clear and quick and vivid. The story thus far looks to only need a few tweaks to be what I think is quite good.
I am wondering when the sci-fi element is going to be coming into the story though. Right now it feels more like a fantasy. Definitely speculative though.
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by WriterDan (edited October 09, 2007).]
quote:
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from her village, and waited for her turn to die. She closed her eyes, and took in her last moments: the sun warm on her face, the cry of a hawk overhead, the sound of leaves rustling in the late summer breeze.
quote:I have no real qualms about this info dump. Sometimes you need to setup the premise of a story first.
At the front of the line, a little four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother. “I don’t want to die.”
“You have to, baby,” his mother said, tears running down on her face. “If you don’t take the medicine to put you in a near-death state, and go deep underground, the autumn plague will find you. If that happens, we won’t ever be able to wake you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s like going to sleep,”
Overall I like what you've started. I would suggest that the plot or character development of Claire start immediately after the info dump, and it should some how be related to your info dump. I am more willingly to overlook an info dump if it smoothly transitions into a plot or character development.
It has been pointed out that "near-death state" breaks character pretty bad, so I won't dwell on that.
I don't have a problem with it being referred to as death in the beginning. If this if from the perspective of Claire, it's very possible she thinks of it as such, even if she does know that she isn't really dying. What, exactly, is the difference between "dying" and then "undying" some time later and what is being described? To a little kid, who as we said wouldn't understand "near-death state" is would probably be thought of as dying, especially if they were buried afterward.
It occurs to me that if this is the "autumn plague" then it probably happens every year. It's implied that after you reach a certain age you don't have to "die" to live through it, but even if that were the case you'd probably have to die several times before you reached that age. Thus, I can assume that the older children have already done this, and so even if they're a bit nervous about it, they're not scared or afraid of dying for real. The very youngest children are probably too young to realize what's going on.
What I'm getting at here is, if their society is anything like ours, the older kids (who have done it a few times before) almost certainly tell stories to the younger ones intentionally designed to make them (if you'll pardon the pun) scared to death of this. Kids can be pretty mean. This would add an interesting dynamic to the whole process and possibly explain why some of the kids were "near hysterics" even though the parents wouldn't call it dying and would always talk about it in simple, nonscarey ways ("long sleep", etc).
As I said, I really like the opening, and you can see I've thought about it quite a bit. Your implementation could improve a little (the other comments gave good suggestions), but even as written I'd definitely read on.
Aa
If you don’t take the medicine to put you in a near-death state, and go deep underground, the autumn plague will find you.
The death-like state and burial are already established, so:
If you don’t take the medicine, the autumn plague will find you.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: I have copyrighted, trademarked, patented and voodoo-cursed "Claire" in my novel, so consider using "Blanche" or "Beatrix." (I don't want my people to have to call your people.) Better yet, use some unpronounceable alien name like "Chah-kr!-hyntk." No, wait, I already used that one.
Soon after this, you get the symbolism of coffins, and much more about Claire and her society. The sci-fi slant turns up then too. I liked AA's idea that the children tease each other, but that's line 14. =P
The story is complete at 4500 words. Would anyone be willing to take a look at an early draft?
No, AA, you may not have my concept. MINE!
WouldBe: would Clarity-doo-dah be an acceptable name change?
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from the village and waited for her turn to die. The sun was warm on her face, leaves rustled in the late summer breeze, and a hawk cried high above.
At the front of the line, a four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother.
“You have to, baby,” said his mother, tears running down her face. “If you don’t take the medicine, the autumn plague will find you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s just like going to sleep,” he said. “You’ll be awake before you know it.”
The youngest ones weren't told that some children never woke,
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 11, 2007).]
If anyone would be willing to read it, I'd appreciate it!
1.) The ending seemed to play out just a little quickly, I'd add just a bit more in, maybe to include some of the following.
2.) Abuecos. I think they should be described in more detail, and should play a bigger part.
3.) The story itself seems to want to be scary. I'd say go for it! Make it scarier, give it teeth! It's got great potential, and I for one would love to see what you come up with!
I can understand if you want to steer away from the gore factor, but if you by chance do want to add some in, I think it would only add to the story.
quote:
Claire stood in line with the rest of the children from the village and waited for her turn to die. The sun was warm on her face, leaves rustled in the late summer breeze, and a hawk cried high above.At the front of the line, a four-year-old boy was in near hysterics. “I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother.
“You have to, baby,” said his mother, tears running down her face.
“If you don’t take the medicine, the autumn plague will find you.”
His father knelt down next to him. “It’s just like going to sleep,” he said. “You’ll be awake before you know it.”The youngest ones weren't told that some children never woke
I like this better. I'll read. No promises on the return time, though. I've been a bit under the weather since they took my medication away 
I'd certainly read on.
My biggest nit is that first sentence. It's a good hook; but it implies everyone in the queue is going to die, not just Claire--and there's no evidence that it's the case (from that last, cut-off line, I surmise that only some of the children don't survive the process). I wonder if you could tweak it a little more--for instance, implying that Claire has some allergy, or some other reason why she thinks she's going to die.
quote:
“I don’t want to go in the ground,” he sobbed, clinging to his mother.
“You have to, baby,” said his mother, tears running down her face.
If you need one more reader, I can take a look. I won't get back to you until Saturday or Sunday, though.
I'm very curious what you are saying about sobbed/said, I have to admit it looks a lot like something I would have written. And I don't understand exactly why that's awkward. But give it to me in layman's terms.
I read this and gave a critique, but the story in almost every detail is still with me vividly, a year later. And I've never read it a second time. (Because I deleted after i read it, as per the request of the writer)
But it's good. (Though the ending wasn't satisfying and should be changed) but this is a real winner. I want to know, BoredCrow, did you ever send this anyway? Because I think this has the makings of an awesome WOTF submission.
The story has been rewritten quite extensively, and the ending completely changed. However, for the next week or so, I'm still living up in the mountains working on my Master's degree. In other words, I can't offer to read any stories in return at the moment. But in a couple of weeks, I can become active on the board again and return the favor of anyone who does want to read this.
Here's the newest first thirteen:
I stood in line with the rest of the children from the village, and waited for my turn to sleep. I tilted my head up to the sky to take in these last precious moments of early summer: the sun hot on my face, swallows darting overhead, the cool wind rustling my skirts.
A soft cry from a small boy at the front of the line caught my attention. “I don’t want to die,” Jaime sobbed.
“You’re not going to die,” Sarah said, stroking his hair. She looked close to tears herself. “The medicine is going to put you to sleep, and then you’re going to go underground in your box-bed until the danger of the plague is past.”
“Be strong for your mother,” James said gruffly, patting Jaime on the head. “You’ll be awake before you know it.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 08, 2008).]