Also, I'm hoping I'm getting the thirteen lines thing right.
quote:
Little icicles fell around his cheeks as Father George opened his eyes, tickling him. He made a snuffling sort of snort as he tried to shake them off, the noise frightening the man at the controls. The man turned, one sweaty palm clutching at the lapel of his white lab coat. "Well that's not supposed to happen." The technician made a face at Father George and turned away again, once more concentrating on the multitude of buttons and switches in front of him."What's not supposed to happen?" He was trying to move with very little luck. Even his voice was reluctant to comply and the sound of it made him wince. Wincing only resulted in more icicles.
quote:
I'm hoping I'm getting the thirteen lines thing right.
The text fits inside of a posting box exactly, LauraAustin, so you got that part right. (Congratulations!)
However, you could put in another line of text because of that blank line in the middle. I don't count blank lines as one of the 13 lines.
I generally liked your 13 lines, but it seems a little confusing to read.
>Little icicles fell around his cheeks as Father George opened his eyes, tickling him.
Do these icicles fall from his eyes onto his cheeks. If so, it's an odd image and for there to be icicles forming on his eyelashes. It must be very cold for them to do so, yet they fall off so easily when he opens his eyes? Perhaps there is an explanation later on.
>He made a snuffling sort of snort as he tried to shake them off, the noise frightening the man at the controls.
..a snuffling sort of snort...? A sure way to trip a reader up, push them out of the story -- although don't get me wrong, it is a phrase with comedy value. Without more of the intro I am unsure of its value, though.
...the noise frightening the man at the controls...I am unsure of the change in tense here. Perhaps '...which seemed to frighten the man at the controls..' or 'which frightened the man at the controls'.
>The man turned, one sweaty palm clutching at the lapel of his white lab coat. "Well that's not supposed to happen." The technician made a face at Father George and turned away again, once more concentrating on the multitude of buttons and switches in front of him.
Is the technician the man at the controls and the same man who pulls a face? Mildly confusing -- easily sorted out.
>"What's not supposed to happen?"
Who says this? Is it Father George? To me he seems in a confused state, perhaps suspended animation or something so it's not obvious he is the speaker. Easily rectified. Same point with the next few uses of 'he'. If you had identified it was Father George speaking then the he's make sense. As it is, the last person who is the subject of a sentence is the technician.
I think this would be a great intro if you tidied up some of the confusion. Is this omniscient POV -- it must be because Father George can't know the technician had sweaty hands.
Hope I helped.
My take:
quote:
Little icicles fell around his cheeks as Father George [opened his eyes, tickling him.<--This makes it look like "opening his eyes" tickled him.] He made a [snuffling sort of snort<--"Snuffling" and "snort" have two different implications, I'd say, choose one or the other.] as he tried to shake them off, the noise frightening the man at the controls. The man turned, one sweaty palm clutching at the lapel of his white lab coat. "Well that's not supposed to happen." The technician[What technician? Is this "the man at the controls"?] made a face at Father George and turned away again, once more concentrating on the multitude of buttons and switches in front of him.
"What's not supposed to happen?"[Who says this? Father George? The Man at the controls? The technician?] He was trying to move with very little luck. Even his voice was reluctant to comply and the sound of it made him wince. Wincing only resulted in more icicles.
This is a bit disorienting. But, I think with a little clarification, there could be a solid hook here.
1) Where are they? In a room? On a spaceship? In a missile silo? In an Antacrctic Subterannean Prison?
2) How many people are there? Tagging the dialogue helps.
3) Where are these icicles falling from? And why--if there are others about--are they letting icicles fall onto the Father George's face? (Large icicles can kill.)
As for the mysterious thirteenth line - well, that was the end of the 2nd paragraph. It just seemed like a good place to cut it off. I'll wait a while to see what Rick thinks after a complete read through, and then I'll rework what I've got with everyone's comments in mind. Thank you!
