As I mentioned, I'm trying to rework some old stories. Here is the first 13 of my current draft of "Long Time", which I started about three years ago but never finished.

My earliest memory is of a garden.

I remember a man with a long white beard. I can still feel my fingers wound in that beard, pulling myself to my feet and standing on unsteady legs. His laughing eyes look down.

My next memory is not so pleasant. My older brothers are fighting. The eldest is yelling at Mother, blaming her for something, I’ve never been sure what. Dad tells him to leave her alone, but Dad is drunk as usual, and lets his head fall to the big table that he made with his own hands. My middle brother tries to stop the eldest from hitting Mother, but isn't strong enough. He winds up on the floor with a bloody nose.

I had a name, then, but I’ve had many names. I think I'll keep my first name to myself.
 

I like this. I do have a couple of small things...

1) I think the language in the second memory should be in past tense. My older brothers were fighting. The oldest was yelling at Mother...

2) In the second paragraph, last line. "His laughing eyes look down." This feels incomplete. do they "look down at me?" For some reason I got stuck there for a moment trying to figure it out, and it threw off my rhythm.

Otherwise, very good. I will be interested in what this turns into, or in reading it if it's done now.

Thane

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 24, 2007).]
 

[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited November 24, 2007).]