Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Voluptuous Finish...ready for readers

This is topic A Voluptuous Finish...ready for readers in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

Hello all:

Well, it came in a little larger than I expected (12,600 words), but I'm ready for readers of the initial draft. Here is the most recent first thirteen, which hasn't changed that much.

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“Who’s first? Who brought something special?” pulsed the oldest.
“I found a nice one, out near Mira system. A pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set and misjudged the gravity well. Six hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.”
The sharer pulsed a replica of the draught. After savoring, the others pulsed back responses of delight – all except Lexha.
“It seems oily... hollow,” she pulsed. “Where’s the middle?”
After an awkward silence, the next one shared.
“I came across a fuelport meltdown. It took the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.”
This one also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, their receptors jangling – “amazing” ”bright” ”heady.”
“It's just so big, so brawny,” Lexha pulsed. “There’s no

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Let me know if you have time to take a look.

Thane

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 27, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I'll take a look.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I'll read it if you like.

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

I'm game.

Posted by Caliban (Member # 7066) on :

I would take a read as well

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I'm confused and not hooked. Sorry.

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

BTW, I see few posts after a 'read-on.'
Should we keep our opinions private or help advertise to the teetering masses?

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

I can handle detailed public criticism (or applause). As long as no more than 13 lines of the actual story are in the post, I doubt Kathleen minds either, so feel free, supraturtle.

Just so y'all know, I've taken several critiques to heart and am currently in the middle of a significant re-write. However, the intro doesn't change all that much, so for those it hooks, great. For those it doesn't, c'est la vie. I doubt I will hook all of the people all of the time...

Thanks,

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 01, 2007).]