quote:
Tom gripped the rough wooden handle of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might his little arms held. The hinges squealed as the door swung partly open. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed into the cabinet before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again. He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots just as the door crashed shut, the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness inside the cabinet was complete; he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door now that it was closed. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots to the far side of the cabinet. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned back against the side wall, holding the book close to his chest with both hands.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited December 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2007).]
My only nitpick is that I would prefer "...all the might his little arms held" to "...all his might his little arms held"
Thanks for posting.
Tom gripped the rough wooden handle and pulled with all his might.
Tightening it will increase the tension I believe you are after.
Hope this helps.
I like the tone, and the image of a small boy squeezing into a wardrobe with, of all things, a copy of LW&W, but...I guess I expected more punch with the opening of such a short piece. Mind you, I have a terrible time writing short (sub-1k) fiction, so do as I say, not as I do. I'm happy to read more, though. I think you have my email addy (I don't post it here) from previous exchanges, if not holler.
The rest of you, thanks for the input - I'll be sending out the whole thing shortly. Anyone else interested?
Jayson Merryfield
My take:
quote:
Tom gripped the rough wooden handle of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might [his little arms held<--[You either don't need this yet, or change the "his" in "his might" to "of the"]. The hinges squealed [as the door swung partly open<--Don't need]. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed into the cabinet [before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again<--This part is unreal to me. I can't imagine--without some set up--why a cabinet would be set to "slam shut".]. He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots just as the door [crashed<--I mentioned this in the last comment.] shut, the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness [inside the cabinet<--Consider dropping.] was complete[:] he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door [now that it was closed<--Consider dropping this.]. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots [to the far side of the cabinet<--Consider replacing this with: aside]. He pulled his knees up [to his chest and leaned back against the side wall<--Consider dropping], holding the book close to his chest with both hands.It was very quiet in the cabinet.<--[Eh?]-->Tom could hear the horses...[Maybe: In the quiet cabinet, Tom heard a faint galloping of horses. <shrug>]
If there's no rush, I'll give it a read.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 07, 2007).]
quote:
Tom gripped the rough wooden handle I had a hard time with the rough. If it's a cabinet handle, wouldn't it be smooth? of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might This might not be needed --> his little arms held. The hinges squealed as the door swung seems at odds with the squealing. If he had to work at it you might think about using "inched" or some other word to show the resistance partly open. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed in --> you don't need - to the cabinet before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again. Bit abrupt. I'd like to see Tom struggle with the door if it's so tightly sprung/ He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots you don't need to repeat this --> just as the door crashed shut, m'b "as the thunderous sound made his ears ring. the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness inside the cabinet I know he's in a cabinet, stop telling me that was complete; pick one to tell me it's dark. This --> one is better IMHO he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door now that it was closed. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots to the far side of the cabinet. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned back against the side wall, holding the book close to his chest with both hands.
If there's no rush - you can send it to me.