Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Remote Control

This is topic The Remote Control in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002857

Posted by psnede on :

Here's the first 13 on a short one that I just finished. 1763 words. I'd appreciate any comments (1st write-through is done if anyone wants to read it as well). Thanks for your comments!

“What can I get for you, sir?”
“I’ll have a glass of white wine.” The hotel bartender poured me a glass of Chardonnay. I reached into my wallet and grabbed a five-dollar bill and handed it to the man.
“Keep the change,” I said and smiled at him. I walked over to one of the nearby tables and sat down with my drink and the complimentary newspaper from the hotel. As I paged through the front section, the conversation of two men at the table next to me caught my attention.
“It’s really quite simple,” said the older gentleman. “If you win, I give you this briefcase full of one-hundred dollar bills. If you lose, you have to push the red button on this remote control.”

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

Sounds fun. I'll read.

Posted by Antinomy (Member # 5136) on :

An enticing little hook. Send it on over.

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

I think you started the story in the wrong place. Start off with the hook. Setting the scene first might be a style issue, but that's not really what you did. What you did was give me a few generic actions of a man interacting with a waiter. If you're going to wait a few lines to give that hook - and it's a great hook - then at least give me something that adds to the story. A description of the setting (through your MC's POV, of course), or some mild conflict to let us know we're in a hotel (argument at the front desk, tourists being tourists, etc). As it stands, I just don't know why you would bother to write the pointless dialog between the waiter and the MC.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

I wouldn't even categorize this as a nit, maybe I just want to sound bitter.

Anyways, around here (city about 2 million people) giving someone a $5 bill and saying "Keep the change" is tantamount to insult as most glasses of the vino cost $7 to $9.

Then again, going out to the back country $5 is a reasonable tip. I bought a round of 2020 in Iowa that came to $2.75 (for 3 drinks).

This is just fyi in case this is supposed to be some high-falutin' place like New York and this guy is supposed to be a big spender.

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 20, 2007).]

Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :

Yep, you could condense the first three paragraphs into a sentence or two and not lose anything at all...

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

[What can I get for you, sir?”
“I’ll have a glass of white wine.” The hotel bartender poured me a glass of Chardonnay. I reached into my wallet and grabbed a five-dollar bill and handed it to the man.
“Keep the change,” I said and smiled at him. I walked over to one of the nearby tables and sat down with my drink and the complimentary newspaper from the hotel. As I paged through the front section, the conversation of two men at the table next to me caught my attention.<--Why do I care? Is this relevant?]
[You should start here-->“It’s really quite simple,” said the older gentleman. “If you win, I give you this briefcase full of one-hundred dollar bills. If you lose, you have to push the red button on this remote control.”

Two major flaws in your hook:

1) A man publicly flashing around a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills is a man that wants to be mugged or killed. (And why would he say "this briefcase full of one-hundred dollar bills"? Wouldn't he just say "this," and pat and/or open the briefcase?

2) If it's a shady enough deal to pay so much for pushing a button, why talk about it loud enough to be overheard?

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 21, 2007).]

Posted by psnede on :

Thank you for all of the valuable input. I am nearly done going through the story a second time. I cut out the dialogue at the beginning with the bartender. It only gave the setting, and clearly was distracting from the hook.

I also changed the ending (now at 2143 words). I think it improves the story.

By the way, Halogen: I am not cheap . . . Really. A glass of wine and a tip for $5 wouldn't cut it much anywhere. I don't reference prices anymore in the story. Nice catch.

As for the plausibility of the briefcase full of $100 bills. Well, it's still in there now. I will say this. The older gentleman is desperate and the story is more on the light-hearted side... I'm still thinking about what I want to do about it.

Still thinking... Just finished a "Save As" on version 2.