This is a clip from an 1100 word fantasy piece for a competition. I was hoping someone could help me with line edits on the whole piece.
The dark figure, chased by frayed shadows, grew nearer. I sensed her desire as she snaked through the naked trees. I tried to summon my courage--touching my grandfather’s medallion that I wore around my neck. The dark one approached, leaves swirling in her wake, her form appeared from the shadows. I trembled as the sorceress, Nericinia, spoke.
“At last we meet, young falconer” her whisper, like icy wind.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
nice! sockit to me, oh motorcycle wizard.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
My take:
quote: The dark figure, chased by frayed shadows, grew nearer.<--[Totally ambiguous. What is being chased by what, where?] I sensed her[Who?] desire as she snaked through the naked trees.[Like Stripped of bark "naked" trees?] I tried to summon my courage--touching my grandfather’s medallion that [I wore around<--[IMHO: hung from] my neck. [The dark one approached,<--[Incorporate this into: L]eaves swirl[ed] in [the dark sorceress Nericinia's] wake [as] [s]he [deleted] appeared from the shadows. I trembled as [the sorceress, Nericinia,<--IMHO: she] spoke.
“At last we meet, young falconer[.]” H]er whisper [was] like icy wind.
I'll check it out.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I will send it to you both, and compare the results. The deadline is Sunday so please don't crit so hard I want to redraft it three times. This is my first entry so I'll accept the consequences.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Then you may not want to send it to me. I can only critique it all-the-way or not at all. It's the only way I know.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Go for it. I don't bruise easily. I'll consider it another humbling lesson.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Need another pair of eyes?
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
If you don't mind.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :