Harron Davesh appeared in Merrotin five nights before Rivenspell. As soon as dawn broke and revealed the many-coloured tent pitched on the green in the centre of the village, the news spread like wild fire. Hysterical women were soon swearing that they had seen imps scurrying in the blackness of the night, hurrying to do their master’s bidding. In other parts of the village, sombre men were nodding sagely and talking of the vaporous mist that had hovered over the village green in the middle of the night, leaving behind it that patchwork tent. Jesin Keron knew better. He had been the one person to see the fantastically fat man make his way to the village. He had been the one person to see Harron Davesh tame a wild stallion out on
Hi, this one is fantasy and if anybody is interested in reading the whole thing it's 6000. Thanks
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I am not fond of sagely, but I think it is a good intro. Send it over. I'll give it a go.
Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :
Looks interesting. I'd be glad to read it.
My only nit, and this is minor: I don't know if the rhyme between "hurrying" an "scurrying" was intentional, but I found it distracting.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Weird... I don't really know what the story is, but I'm intrigued none the less. I'd be happy to read, if you like.
One comment: Rivenspell is awfully close to Rivendell (home of Elrond in Lord of the Rings). Just a thought.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
I kinda made the link with "Rivendell," too. That and the second Myst game was called just plain Riven.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
quote:Harron Davesh appeared in Merrotin five nights before Rivenspell. 1) Too many new names in too short a time. 2) Ditto the others on Rivenspell. 3) Starting a story with someone's name indicates that they're the POV character. As soon as dawn broke and revealed the many-coloured tent pitched on the green in the centre of the village, the news spread like wild fire. Thought at first that it was the news about Harron Devesh. Hysterical women were soon swearing that they had seen imps scurrying in the blackness of the night, hurrying to do their master’s bidding. In other parts of the village, sombre men were nodding sagely and talking of the vaporous mist that had hovered over the village green in the middle of the night, leaving behind it that patchwork tent. since all this news is, in fact, about the tent, and not Harron Davesh, the first sentence and this paragraph seem disconnected. Jesin Keron knew better. He had been the one person to see the fantastically fat man make his way to the village. He had been the one person to see Harron Davesh this is the fat man? It's not clear. In any case, while mention of Harron Davesh connects back to the first sentence, this last paragraph would be just as effective if this were the first mention of H.D., since the first sentence tells us nothing about him, anyway. I'd omit the first sentence altogether. tame a wild stallion out on
I'd certainly read on if I found this in a magazine or anthology, but I wouldn't as an editor going through the slush-pile. I'm not sufficiently entranced by the appearance of the tent, which is, so far, the only unusual thing.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 29, 2008).]
Posted by Jo1day (Member # 7800) on :
[QUOTE] Harron Davesh appeared in Merrotin five nights before Rivenspell. I like this sentence myself, but I expect the next sentence to be about Harron Davesh, not about a tent. As soon as dawn broke and revealed the many-coloured tent pitched on the green in the centre of the village, the news spread like wild fire. The news about the tent? Why is the tent so important? It's a tent! Hysterical women were soon swearing that they had seen imps scurrying in the blackness of the night, hurrying to do their master’s bidding. Okay, now you've lost me. What does this have to do with a tent or Harron Davesh? Who is Harron Davesh? In other parts of the village, sombre men were nodding sagely and talking of the vaporous mist that had hovered over the village green in the middle of the night, leaving behind it that patchwork tent. You still haven't really connected the tent with the Harron Davesh. Why not start with the tent, and then mention the name of the character it belongs to? Jesin Keron knew better. He had been the one person to see the fantastically fat man make his way to the village. Eh? who's the fat man? He had been the one person to see Harron Davesh tame a wild stallion out on Who had been the one person? The fat man? [/QOUTE]
I like the premise and the feel to the whole thing, it just needs to be redone for a bit of clarity. Answer the questions, connect the sentences, you should be fine.
[This message has been edited by Jo1day (edited February 29, 2008).]
