Deep within the bowels of Troy lay Priam’s greatest treasure; not even Henrich recognized its true worth. He only saw the beaten-gold crown, the electrum cups, and the bejeweled headdress that he’d unearthed.
The last he draped on me. “At last, Helene,” he said. He had called me Helene from the beginning. “You are honored as is your due.” He kissed me. I pulled away from him before he got his hopes up for more. We sat in our small tent by the dig in Hissarlik with our treasures, pulled from some stumbled-upon cache, strewn about us on the floor.
I saw the small sphere stuck among a rotting belt of sapphires and tarnished silver. It fit in the palm of my hand, a thing heavy enough to be of solid bronze. “What do you think this is,
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
OH OH OH, now I get your problem with my story. I stole yer stinkin name. lol. You must have been thinking "What's this Moron doing?"
Thats a pretty funny coincidence.
Like this BTW. Wouldn't fault it much. If you need a reader my hand is up.
Tracy
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
This one really didn't grab me. probably just a matter of taste. I couldn't point out any glaring flaws, but the line, "You are honored as is your due" struck me as off.
I don't know much of the story of Helen of Troy, but her being in a small tent seemed unbecomming. It may have been a matter of viewpoint that would later remedy itself, but even on expedition, I would expect her domicile to be elaborate, if not very comfortable.
The reference of "stumbled upon cache" referring to a dig site seemed contrary, but again could be rectified later. I would pass on this one.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I thought this one seemed a little muted, I didn't really get a sense of excitement at finding the fabled city, it all seems a little matter of fact, especially for such a short story....having said that, I would definitely read on to find out what this last treasure actually is
Send it on if you like and I'll get straight on it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I would keep reading. I will want to know how MC feels about Heinrich PDQ.
Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :
I'm probably betraying my woefull ignorance of the Illiad but are Henrich and Hissarlik Greek/Trojan names? Henrich seems Germanic to me, and Hissarlik screams Scandanavian.
Finally, should Henrich be given an identifier? Something like "even Henrich, the treasurer,"
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Sorry about the title and stuff, tnwilz.
Bent Tree and smncameron, you bring up important points. I think I need to throw in some more modern references or something.
Thanks for comments and offers to read! Sending it straight-a-way.
Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :
Oh and I'd be happy to read it as well.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Maybe you could have her refer to Heinrich as Schliemann instead of Heinrich, and that might make the time and situation clearer to more readers.
Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :
Wow, I really feel like a complete fool now. I guess Helene is just too close to Helen.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Actually, I appreciate your confusion. It tells me maybe I haven't been clear enough in my set up. "Helene" is a slightly more Greek form of Helen, so I thought I'd use that. She's actually Sophia, his wife.
