Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Man in the Hat

This is topic The Man in the Hat in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Talimar1 (Member # 6937) on :

This is the beginning of a short story I am writing. It continues on with Journal entries for a while. It is only in the first draft and would like any feedback on my writing. Thanks for your time!

edit: I have made some changes to this journal entry to include some characterization and to try to include a little more of a hook. Hopefully this is a little better. Again thanks for reading and post any comments you have.

The Man in the Hat

Journal entry 112755640.1

"These are the days. The war is over, the stars are free, and I still have my hat. I can now wander the galaxy to my heart's content, without even the thought of rival factions or piracy. The official job title I have now is InterGalactic Explorer. An exciting, albeit lonely, job. I will observe star after star on my way out of the galaxy, trying to find habitable or already habitated planets, though my colleagues feel this is an unnecessary endeavor. But when I find something, it will be worth the time and effort! I have no regrets leaving this this galaxy, knowing that if I do come back, I will have outlived everyone and become a hero. But if I don't come back, I will still live on in the hearts and minds of the people of this galaxy. Well, my launch is emininent from Deep Wormport BX-5. Over and Out."

[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited April 02, 2008).]

Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :

The voice is great! I already like this naive explorer and would want to read further.

I think you could play with establishing more of the character and less of the situation with this opening journal entry. Do we really need history right up front? We'll keep reading if the character and his problem intrigue us. So, you could give more about his guy's feeling, embarking on this mission. What would someone really write in a journal? Not what he already knows and is unlikely to forget.

K---

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Why the quotes. It is implied by the first person POV that this is the characters voice. It is also implied by the journal entry.

The whole journal thing reminds me of captain Kirk. And the first few lines feel to me like a story is ending rather than begining.

I would recomend a new starting point on this. I am not trying to sound rough, but I have read five stories this week of missions to find habitable planets. If you are going to stick with this theme, make it stand out by starting the story where the story starts.

Do aliens come out to meet him, then take him to a bar on their planet? If so start with: Captain Kangaroo looked at the viewing screen. He cocked his neck sideways. Had the aliens really sent him a commercial to Ferdu's Bar and Grille?

Strip the story down to it's core and find out where it really starts. Perhaps where he got his hat, unless the story moves backwards, it would be a good place to start, unless of course the title is a metaphor.

The writing was nice. Mechanically sound. Hope this helps.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I'm afraid it didn't hook me... and the thought of further journal entries turned me off. It's too dry for me. I can't get involved in the character. Also, there's no tension--everything is status quo. I'd suggest starting where there is action. Make the first journal entry the one where the MC discovers something weird, something worth investigating.

My 2 cents.

Posted by Talimar1 (Member # 6937) on :

Thanks for the suggestions! I have edited my intro to include some characterization, and perhaps some more stress.

To answer some questions...

I am writing in quotes because the journals are spoken and recorded. This becomes relevent later on, but for now bear with me.

This is not so much a sci fi action, as a sci fi drama. Think I am Legend where he is alone of his free will meets Christopher Columbus or Amerigo Vespucci.

I can see what you mean about beginning in another spot, but this is the most logical spot to begin right now. Over the next days I will think about other places to begin.

The journal entries are to try a new style of disseminating information. I read alot of traditional third person novels and short stories, a few first person stories, but few like this, in this format. It is an experiment.

Again, thanks for reading, and if you would like to read the rest that I have done, just email me.