I have been having a hard time with this one. It is on a deadline for the fifteenth. If any one could do a quick turnaround on this, I would throw a feast in their honor.
“Look at him up there,” Michaels nodded up at Captain Yates. “More suited to posing for the media, than flying the Sojourner.” I gave a little chuckle, half-hearted. I agreed with my crew mate that our new Captain was a vainglorious rookie. There he stood up on the platform with his million dollar smile, but my good news made it seem trivial--news that came straight from the Admiral’s mouth, not an hour before. “Let’s go to Fumos guys,” I said to my three crewmates. We walked up the ramp to the media platform, half way between the ground and the Sojourner’s sleek silver cabin. We stopped to pose for one photo. I glanced at the Captain’s wings on Yates’ lapel—gold trimmed titanium. It was easy to smile at the
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Bent Tree I could give it a go. Not great at line editing but can tell you what I think and if I got stuck anywhere. Depending on the size of it, could have it back to you Monday, monday night the latest. Email away if you want.
Posted by lscott (Member # 7870) on :
Are you talking about this one excerpt or do you need someone to look at more of it?
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
The entry is about 2k Rough words. I need someone to give some feedback on the whole.
Posted by lscott (Member # 7870) on :
Well, I'm entirely new to this process, but I'd be willing to try my best...if you'd like.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
I love stories about flight and flying, so "How I got my Wings" is for me an immediately attractive title. Also, I like the idea of naming a ship "The Sojourner".
I'd suggest reordering the thoughts in the second para to make the connection between the chuckle and the news more clear. The half-hearted chuckle (and, "little" is "half-hearted", methinks, so one qualifier seems redundant) is presumably due to the good news from the Admiral, so maybe something like, "There stood our Captain, our vainglorious rookie with his million dollar smile. I chuckled with Michaels--but half-heartedly, because of the news from the Admiral, just an hour old."
The idea of the news followed immediately by "Let's go to Fumos..." made me think that the news was their destination of Fumos; yet nobody seemed surprised, diluting the effect of wondering what the news is.
I wondered at gold-trimmed titanium. I've always thought of titanium as light but not especially valuable (because it's a dull grey and doesn't glitter, I suppose) so I wasn't sure of the message that "gold-trimmed titanium" hinted at.
I'd read on because I'm intrigued by the millieu and the promise in the Admiral's news of a surprise.
I'd be happy to read and can get back to you in two or three days.
Cheers, Pat
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
My hook got cuttoff at the end. As this is for a contest, I am ot concerned with the typical 13 format. He is in fact excited about getting his captains wings when he completes this mission. He ends up getting wings, but in a far different way.
Posted by lscott (Member # 7870) on :
I got stuck at the same place in the excerpt: "There he stood up on the platform with his million dollar smile, but my good news made it seem trivial..."
It just seemed like a "hitch" in the writing that stopped my attention and made it difficult to keep reading, in the back of my mind, still wondering what one had to do with the other.
I am sure that reading more of it might help.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I'll have a read if you want, should be able to get it back to you pretty quickly.
Posted by jasonbeauchene (Member # 7823) on :
Go ahead and send it to me. I can get it back to you in the next few days.