Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Asteroid Cluster

This is topic Asteroid Cluster in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003039

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

revised opening down below 4/22

First, let me say that I am not a fan. I have never read a single one of D’Chovrinski’s books even though I own them all. I buy them new, never used, because I owe the man big time. He saved my life once.
“Oooh! I just adore Phillip Choo,” squeals the woman in line ahead of me. “I’m SO glad they picked Hanover Sims to play him this time.”
Why am I standing in line on a Jovian commerce station at the premiere of “Down Time on Ganymede” staring the irksome playboy, Sims, as D’Chovrinki’s famous sleuth, Phillip Choo? Because I have one of a pair of tickets to the show in my hand and a cool six million credits sitting in my bank account back on Mars. Sounds like the opening to a bad mystery, doesn’t it?

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 22, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited April 27, 2008).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Not bad prose, but the opening meanders. The first two lines arouse some interest when you mention the guy who saved his life once - then you downshift suddenly to a comment about a star from a girl in line. Problem is, I'm still thinking about the guy who saved a life and how he did it. The opening needs to be amped up - standing in line to go to a movie - even on another world - is not particularly interesting.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Overall I found this attractive and yes, I'd read on (but not this week, I owe Deb a crit).

"First, let me say that I am not a fan. I have never read a single one of D’Chovrinski’s books even ..." My reaction to the first sentence was, "fan of what?" For me I think this would read easier something like, "First, let me say that I am not a fan of D’Chovrinski’s books. I have never read a single one, even ..."

"Why am I standing in line on a Jovian commerce station at the premiere of “Down Time on Ganymede” staring the irksome playboy, Sims, as D’Chovrinki’s famous sleuth, Phillip Choo? " I ran out of breath reading this sentence. Do we need to know it all in these first few lines? I suspect that something like, "of the film adaptation of D'Chovrinki's "Down Time on Ganymede" ..." might work as well? Then feed in Choo and Sims separately, as necessary.

"Sounds like the opening to a bad mystery, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I am not a detective or sleuth or anything ..." I liked this, for me it's the hook, and I like the wry tone.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

All I really need to do is point to the post above me and mumble, “What he said.”

I'd suggest a few changes to the phrasing along the lines below to smooth the passage out a little

quote:

First, let me say that I am not a fan of D’Chovrinski’s books. I have never read a single one, even though I own them all. I buy them new, never used, because I owe the man big time. He saved my life once.
“Oooh! I just adore Phillip Choo,” squeals the woman in line ahead of me. “He is just the most delicious detective. I’m SO glad they picked Hanover Sims to play him this time.”
What am I doing on a Jovian commerce station? Why am I standing in line at the premiere of “Down Time on Ganymede” starring the irksome playboy, Sims, as D’Chovrinki’s famous sleuth?
Because I have one of a pair of tickets to the show in my hand and a cool six million credits sitting in my bank account back on Mars. Sounds like the opening to a bad mystery, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I am not a detective or sleuth or anything

Otherwise, I'm interested and I like the voice. I'd be happy to read through the whole piece, if you like.

[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited April 21, 2008).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Okay, how about this? The saving his life is kind of a red herring so I'm cutting it out for the moment.

First, let me say that I am not a fan. I have never read a single one of D’Chovrinski’s thrillers about Philip Choo.
“Oooh! I just adore Phillip Choo,” squeals the woman in line ahead of me at the theater. “I’m SO glad they picked Hanover Sims to play him this time.”
I don’t even like the irksome playboy, Sims, who's starring as D’Chovrinki’s famous sleuth, Phillip Choo. So why am I standing in line on Jupiter’s most exclusive orbiter at the universal premiere of the new Choo thriller, “Down Time on Ganymede?” Because I have one of a pair of tickets to the show and a very cool six million credits sitting in my bank account back on Mars. Sounds like the opening to a bad mystery, doesn’t it?

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited April 22, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 22, 2008).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Shorter sentences, longer attention span: good.

It seemed to me that "I buy them new, never used, because I owe the man big time. He saved my life once." told much about their relationship. Cutting it destroys our understanding of why he's in the queue. With 6 million credits, it's not like he has to take advantage of free tickets.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I'm getting a very Ferris Bueller feel from this, like we're going to be speaking directly with your MC while everyone else in the book remains oblivious to us, and to him speaking to us. I don't know if that format really works well in book form - the jump from your MC speaking to us to the woman in the theater is pretty jarring and really threw me out of the story.

TaleSpinner is correct - we learn more about their relationship in the original opening. Your focus seems to be a little strange, through both of these openings. First time around. you mention your MC's life was saved, but proceed to focus on what appear to be tertiary characters and peripheral details. The second time, you are focused very strongly on Philip Choo, so much so that you mention him three and a half times (only a last name once). A few other names drop, getting to the point that I'm feeling overloaded with names. Then, you've switched gears and are focusing on the wealth of your MC. I feel I'm being called in several directions at once, like I'm in a kindergarden classroom and everyone has hurt themselves all at once. It's really not a plesant feeling.

I've got no sense of anything at this point in time. You seem to be spending an awful lot of words and lines either repeating yourself, or dialed in on things I get the feeling aren't important. The writing itself is fine, it's readable and clear, but you're not communicating anything to me in a clear manner, which is a bit of a deal breaker for me.

I hate to say it, but I'm going to have to agree with your main character. This does sound like the opening to a bad mystery. Or a less than good story, at any rate.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

hmmm..the fact that the ticket and the six million credits are connected seems to not get across.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

No, the connection isn't apparent to me, and if it's part of the reason he's in the queue it should probably be mentioned to avoid witholding, since presumably the narrator knows it. For example, if he was paid 6 million to go the the movie and shoot someone, the "because" should probably be something like "Because I'm being paid 6 million to watch the movie--and kill Sims."

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by mrmccoy (Member # 7930) on :

It may work better in a broader context, but the transition of narrator to the woman speaking was brash. Consider having the narrator conveying her words instead.

e.g., The woman in line ahead of me is giddy at the prospect of Hanover Sims playing Phillip Choo. Her squeals grate on my ears...