Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Way Out -- warning: foul-mouthed teenaged boys

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Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :

This piece is almost done (with its 10th revision, something like that. I've been working on it 3 yrs.) It's about teen- agers behaving badly, so the language is a little rough. I'd appreciate any volunteers to read the whole thing (should be ready within a week or so). Thanks.
Balanced on Abe’s thin shoulder, Carter grabbed at vines as his foot sought a toehold in the concrete wall. He wobbled and almost dropped the long-necked beer bottle clutched between his teeth.
“S**t,” Abe whispered. “Move your fat a*s, man. You’re heavy.” Carter pulled himself atop the wall and signaled, F**k you, before dragging Abe up after him.
The boys had arrived at Pere Lachaise Cemetery’s gate around three AM. Its concrete block wall sparkled in the moonlight, but night had washed the narrow streets of color— flower shops, the Metro station, a café --- white, gray, black. Two blocks away, a boulangerie’s kitchen lights were on, but they ignored the fresh-baked bread’s call. They were on a mission: Pere Lachaise Cemetery. Jim Morrison.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

OOOh! Père-Lachaise cemetery! I'll give it a read. Send it along when it's ready.

The opening reads smoothly. I'm not picking up on a speculative element, but then the boys are about to enter a cemetery, so I'm willing to wait!

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 26, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Ooo Jim Morrison...I volunteer as well.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Nice so far.

This sentence is strange:

Its concrete block wall sparkled in the moonlight, but night had washed the narrow streets of color— flower shops, the Metro station, a café --- white, gray, black.

I think I would have gone for another structure. I am unsure why you have the 'but' in there: '...The wall sparkled, but night washed...'? The 'but' seems like it is apologizing for the wall sparkling, yet there is nothing wrong in a monochromatic world with a sparkling wall--as long is it doesn't sparkle in color.

Its concrete block wall sparkled yellow in the streetlight, but the rest the town night painted in monochrome. The flower shops, the Metro station, the café were shades of gray and black.

Not a great example, but I think you would be best served constructing it another way.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 26, 2008).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Very atmospheric. But I don't see a character with whom to sympathise so, not really hooked, for I would not want to spend much time with foul-mouthed teens (I do enough of that!) unless at least one has some redeeming qualities.

Sorry to be negative--but I do like the atmosphere.
Pat

Posted by psnede on :

Good hook and very good imagery. I'm not a huge fan of a lot of bad language, but teenagers - well, that's how they talk. Especially the ones who would sneak into a grave site.

The one sentence that needs revision is the concrete block sentence. The part about it sparkling is good, but the rest is a bit awkward. You can probably just cut the rest. If it's an excuse to say, "Oh, by the way, we're in Paris," you don't need it - it's given away with the boulangerie and the name of the cemetery.

As I mentioned, I think this is a very strong opening and if you need readers, I will be more than happy.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

I liked the entire thing although I probably wouldn't read something that had that much cussing in the first few lines. That sort of start will attract some and alienate others with its instant 'R' rating. Question is, which group is the book-buying group. It's possible, I would imagine, to write this without causing some of your potential audience to be put off so quickly. In other words, to appeal to everyone long enough for them to see that perhaps your writing ability is worth it.

What I see here is painting with words and every artist has their way of doing that. I didn't trip anywhere when reading the first 13 and quite enjoyed your style. It seemed better than much published stuff (as much as you can judge that in 13 lines).

Tracy

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

That sort of start will attract some and alienate others with its instant 'R' rating. Question is, which group is the book-buying group.

Ever read Stephen King?

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I was thinking the same thing myself...

MOST people, perhaps unfortunately talk that way, especially outside of professional or formal situations. If this is the type of story it seems to be, I think most who would be interested at all wouldnt much be bothered by the profanity, and it is very appropriate in context.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Not really, to be honest. I realize that there is tons of literature with harsh language but is it often right in the opening lines? I guess what I'm saying is, I would have put it right back on the shelf myself, whereas it may have been a really good book but the opening caused me not to give it a chance.

But, I admit that’s a fair point.

Tracy

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Just to be clear. It's not the foul mouths per se that bother me, it's the apparent lack of redeeming qualities. For example, if one is reluctant and dragged along by peer pressure, if that could be hinted at, I'd be more inclined to read on.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I enjoyed this.

However some may say there is no character to sympathize with.

An inner conflict might distinguish the MC.

I couldnt smell out the Speculative or genre either. I realized I was making an assumption of horror, by graveyard, but not enough evidence. A minor point that I would read through.

I'd turn the page.

Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :

quote:
The one sentence that needs revision is the concrete block sentence. The part about it sparkling is good, but the rest is a bit awkward. You can probably just cut the rest. If it's an excuse to say, "Oh, by the way, we're in Paris," you don't need it - it's given away with the boulangerie and the name of the cemetery.

Carter's actually quite messed up, and maybe paring the scenery would get us to his issues a little faster.

I'd been writing about 6 months when I first drafted this piece -- that period in a writer's life when she's hypnotized by imagery and words and describes every single thing in great and loving detail. I've cut out reams, but I think this line could go, as well.
RE: market -- This story is probably too weird to be a literary piece (at least that's what my writing teachers say), but I'm going to try that market first. Some magazines are at least reputed to be open to speculative fiction.

Thanks for all your comments. Now I have people expecting a final MSS soon -- deadlines are good!

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

"Its concrete block wall sparkled in the moonlight." I think "sparkled" is too strong a word here. It might glow softly - or something like that.

Two blocks away, a boulangene's kitchen lights were on, but they ignored the fresh baked-bread's call." This is awkaward as it seems to say "they (the kitchen lights) ignored the fresh baked-breads call." - "...but the boys ignored the fresh..."

"The boys (had - delete) arrived at..."