This is topic A Knight-Errant; a fairy tale in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
 
_once upon a time
there was a queen_
Who had no face.
It is not that she wore none, but it was not hers; and for a hundred years, each queen had worn it to her dying day.
This was not a curse, but it was a spell--one that the first queen cast when her country chose to make her divine ruler. The next queen for her magic gift, quiet manner, and keen mind. A woman could not marry if her face was always that of a regal, beautiful, but old woman. Not when that face wasn't even hers.

It was a strange court this queen kept--the prize-seeker who walked into it was thinking so.


I am sure there will be plenty of people with critique fr this fragment, and I welcome it, but primarily would like readers for the whole (and the opening according to the rest of the story's feel). It is 4000 words, a fairy-tale style of story, though completely original. (As much as any story is.)

Let me know if you're interested! If you hate the voice of the opening, you probably won't like the rest either, fyi.

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 29, 2008).]
 


Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
 
A fairy tale is told to children. The voice needs to some magic.
OSC has a short story called the Princess and the Bear which is similar in voice. You can find the story in Maps in the Mirror, I think you should check it out.
But I would like to read on. I love fairy tale stories.
~Sheena
 
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
 
quote:
--because a woman could not marry, if her face was always that of a regal, beautiful, but old woman, nor bear heirs. Not that face when it wasn't even hers.

This set of phrases threw me. I couldn't tell what the "not that face" sentence meant. I think it's emphasizing not THAT face...but because of the flow of the sentence and word choice, the word "that" doesn't have the emphasis I think you are aiming for. Not that I have any better way of saying it, but wanted to point out where I tripped. The earlier part also seems unnecessarily confusing. I think it could be simplified by being broken into another sentence or two. I think you're aiming for a specific kind of stream-of-consciousness voice, which carries through well, but this phrase (starting "--because ...") is tricky to get through.

Also, again I think it's a style point, but wasn't sure if you were aware you capitalized the first word of the third line, when the other two lines (none of which are their own sentence but together compose a sentence) weren't.


 


Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
 
quote:
I couldn't tell what the "not that face" sentence meant. I think it's emphasizing not THAT face...but because of the flow of the sentence and word choice, the word "that" doesn't have the emphasis I think you are aiming for.

Ah, yeah, that's a typo. I fixed it in my copy, I didn't think to check if it was over here, too. Thanks!

[Edited after I fixed the problem...]

The opening two lines are italicized in my document--obviously that didn't copy over, I've put underscores to kind of set it apart. So that was intentional.

I have to say, "fairy tales" as meaning only stories for children is rather narrow, or simplistic. I may be using it as a classification in a way no one else does, but I thought that it could mean a short story in the form of classic fairy tales rather than other types of sub-genres.

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 28, 2008).]
 


Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
 
Send it to me and I'll have a look as soon as I'm able.
 
Posted by mitchellworks (Member # 6779) on :
 
I like the premise, Arachne!

And certainly fairy tales are not just for children. Actually weren't fairy tales originally created for adults? I actually dislike it when something is billed as a "fairy tale for adults" like we're not allowed to enjoy any story we please -- made for adults or not.
 


Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
 
Well to me "fairy tale for adults" generally sounds like it will have "adult" humor or "adult" themes, both of which I happily do without. I read YA mostly myself. When they say "retelling" or something I'm drawn in.

Do you want to look at it? Or just admire the premise? (I am rather fond of it...) Either way is fine. ^_^

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 28, 2008).]
 


Posted by mitchellworks (Member # 6779) on :
 
Sure, send it to me. I'm not a very critical reader, anything all-ages with fantasy or sf elements I enjoy.
 
Posted by StephenMC (Member # 7822) on :
 
I enjoyed it and would keep reading.

Regardless, I'm bothered by awkward phrasing:

quote:
It is not that she wore none, but it was not hers

Subject-antecedent issues (two different "it"s distract me).

quote:
This was not a curse, but it was a spell

I don't know if this is stylistic, but I'd prefer "This was not a curse, but a spell." Also, a spell is neither good nor bad. Are you trying to suggest that it was good? Like a charm, perhaps?

I'm confused about who chooses the succeeding queens: does "Each" refer to "her country" or to the face or the queen before? Also, you can make that dashed sentence (about the woman marrying and bearing heirs) two separate sentences. It's long and the readers will see the connection.

Also, the "because a woman could not marry, if her face was always that of a regal, beautiful, but old woman, nor bear heirs" part is very difficult to read. Awkward splitting of the verb phrases.

And the last sentence passive voice "was thinking so" is very unnatural.
 


Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
 
quote:
I don't know if this is stylistic, but I'd prefer "This was not a curse, but a spell." Also, a spell is neither good nor bad. Are you trying to suggest that it was good? Like a charm, perhaps?

Thanks for point out these awkward spots--I tend to garble structure of sentences a lot for reasons I'm not sure of except that I like older poetry a little too much. In the above case it was intentional: it's a spell, though it's not a *curse* spell, is what that is intended to mean. Certainly I'm going to try and put all those things together more smoothly, though.


 


Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
 
I'm interested in critting the whole thing if you are not in a huge hurry.
 
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
 
I didn't mean that fairy tells are only for children, What I was trying to say is that ImO fairy tells often are an oral tradition. So the prose should have a Story teller vibe, ie should be even better when read aloud.
Thats what I was trying to say, and after reading your story, I think that your story achieves that.
I don't in anyway think that Fairy tales are just for children, or any story is only for children, I'm sorry if I implied that.
Your story has a good voice, very compelling.
~Sheena
 


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