Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Calender Full of X's(SF Thriller WIP) (R)

This is topic A Calender Full of X's(SF Thriller WIP) (R) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Looking for takes on the intro. This is a new style for me. How do you like the premise?

"Hey Yates!" Dorian turned to see who it was calling him. The thin blue laser of the retinal scanner flashed over his eyes.
"You have been served." The young courrier handed Dorian an official-looking envelope and turned away, disappearing down the busy street.
He pried open the seal and read the document. "F#%$ me. It's an official notice of a thirty day hunt on my life. Someone named Ferdinand Metz. This is the second time this year," he said to his comrade.
"I've never been hunted. I filed for a hunt on that Bastard that ran over Karen, but when it came down to it, I was no killer, even if it were just. You don't know the guy on the

Posted by WordViewer (Member # 7892) on :

quote:
"Hey Yates!" Dorian turned to see who it was calling him.

I would move “Dorian turned to see who it was calling him.” Down to a separate line. When I first read it felt awkward because I thought Dorian said “Hey Yates!”

quote:
The thin blue laser of the retinal scanner flashed over his eyes. "You have been served." The young courrier handed Dorian an official-looking envelope and turned away, disappearing down the busy street.

This was really cool. I like the retinal scan as a record of the delivery.

quote:
He pried open the seal and read the document. "F#%$ me. It's an official notice of a thirty day hunt on my life. Someone named Ferdinand Metz.

This seems like an info dump that can be done in a cooler way, similar to you retina scan. Maybe instead of a letter have him hand over a data-card that plays the message. It could even be holographic.

quote:
“This is the second time this year," he said to his comrade. "I've never been hunted. I filed for a hunt on that Bastard that ran over Karen, but when it came down to it, I was no killer, even if it were just. You don't know the guy on the

I would mention his comrade earlier. It seemed to me that he was talking to himself until you mentioned his comrade.

HEY THE QUOTE THING WORKED! THANKS ANNEPIN

[This message has been edited by WordViewer (edited May 04, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Ain't technology great, wordviewer?

I echo your sentiments on these 13 lines. I tought that retinal scan was really cool, nice job BT.

You can send it when it's ready Pal.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I echo what others have said. I'm confused about who Yates is. His friend? The courier?

Very interesting idea though.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
I'm confused about who Yates is. His friend? The courier?

Yates is his last name. Did it not convey? Perhaps I should change it to "Dorian Yates"? Anyone agree?

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Ok now that I look at it it is clearer...but I'd still consider clarifying the first bit.

Also "hey Yates" seems a little informal for an official courier I'd say.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

I liked this one.

No, the Yates didnt confuse me. Knew right away, as he turned to see who it was calling him.

I did like WordViewer suggestion of starting a new paragraph with Dorien turned. that was the only part that hung me up, I orignally thought it was Dorien speaking.

I also liked the holograph speaking idea, ties in great with the retinal scan.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited May 04, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Thank you all for the positive feedback. I'm being irresponsible writing this one. I have other priorities with deadlines. I got a good sketch done though. I'll come back to it after WOTF, Heinlein, and Luna.

I'll bump it when it is ready for readers.