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Jeremy ran his fingers along the polished edge of Father's mahogany desk. He did not feel any residual magic, no threat of Father soaked into the pores of the ancient wood, nothing of that black spirit awaiting the opportunity to take its revenge. And he felt no guilt, as he paced the bookshelves that lined the study--bookshelves filled with volumes of spells and potions and contracts to dark gods. It was pride that pressed his cheeks back in a victorious grin as he sniffed the black candles meticulously mounted on pedestals along the Persian rug.This was all his now.
Oh, it wasn't worth the frosty countenance or the beatings. It didn't even scratch the surface of the many nights he'd sat
NEW 13 POSTED BELOW.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 28, 2008).]
Actually my first thought on reading this was Ray Bradbury's "Jack in The Box."
It looks good to me.
"(And - could be deleted) he felt no guilt, (don't think you need a comma here.
I'd turn. Great hook.
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Holy Elbesem, you actually posted something, Mr. Babbly!
And you wonder why people gender-confuse you?
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Mr. Babbly? That's gonna leave a mark.
It would, but there's a question as to Merlion-Emrys masculinity. (Just kidding, Merlion-Emrys.)
I'll send it out to readers by the end of the day. Thanks for the offers.
I loved it up to the lines above. "Frosty countenance" is too weak a description for me, when the father beat the son. I think you need something stronger.
I am hooked beyond being, and I would love to read more. Send it to me if you like.
Oh, and I will use the "Seacat Method", which is copious parenthesis, and colored font so you can see what I am talking about. You have been warned!
Seacat, if you have MSWord, I appreciate it more when people use the "insert comments" feature. It's much less intrusive to the text, and I can switch from my copy to critiqued copy and know where I'm at--and on which page.
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I guess since KDW shut down our world domination thread we'll have to play by the rules again.
First of all, just because I shut down a thread in which you were discussing world domination does not mean I shut it down because you were discussing world domination or that I am even against world domination.
Second, even when you are discussing world domination, I expect you to play by the rules.
If you are still looking for readers, send it my way.
As far as world domination, quoting Manowar would have got me years ago, but now you're better off with wheels on the bus.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited May 26, 2008).]
On topic...
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...as he paced the bookshelves that lined the study...
To me, that sounds like he's walking on the bookshelves.
I've just picked up a Lovecraft short story collection, so I'm not yet familiar with his writing style. But I'm assuming that
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pressed his cheeks back in a victorious grin
is an HP homage. Otherwise, it's a bit weird. Unless you're going for weird.
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Well, if it's okay with Kathleen, we're going to plan the synchronized takeover of the entire eastern seaboard
Good luck getting past my minions. I'll email you a map of my SE territory soes yall don't get lost down here.
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Jeremy ran his fingers along the polished edge of Father's mahogany desk. He didn't feel any residual magic, no threat of Father soaked into the pores of the ancient wood, nothing of that black spirit awaiting an opportunity for vengeance. He felt no guilt as he paced beside the bookshelves lining the study--bookshelves filled with volumes of spells and potions, and contracts to dark gods. Pride pulled his cheeks back in a victorious grin. He smelled the black candles meticulously mounted on pedestals along the Persian rug, the musky scent a potpourri to his senses.
It was all his now. Paid for in blood, sealed with his soul.Oh, it wasn't worth Father's icy countenance or the bony...
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the musky scent a potpourri to his senses.
This seemed a little off to me.
Comma a wafting(or a waft of), musky potpourri filled his nose.
Senses implies things that I did not percieve as conveyed in this instance. Smell seemed the driving sense here. It is powerful though and you should keep it. Great tool.
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It was all his now. Paid for in blood, sealed with his soul.
Ah, now this may help to better foreshadow your ending.
Looking forward to seeing the rest.
He did not feel any residual magic, no <threat>[residue or threatening residue] of Father soaked into the pores of the ancient wood,....
I liked 'paced the bookshelves'; it sounds more Lovecraftian. You might also consider 'he haunted the bookshelves'.
--WouldBe