Hialeah Convalescent Home- Miami Florida, 1953
“Good morning, Senor Castillos,” said the nurse. “I am just going to change your IV.”
He did so hate the cheerful tone she kept.
“There is good news. A musical group from the university is coming this afternoon,” she said as she switched the saline bags.
At least this one speaks decent English. I wish you would just speak Spanish. Does it not occur to you that my name is Spanish? I have been speaking that language, in one dialect or another for over four hundred years.
But he was now reduced to a shell of a man—skin and precious little bone. He couldn’t speak at all.
“They are called the Campus Owls. They are volunteering their
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So began the legend...
Its in the mail. I appreciate the offers.
quote:
"Good morning, Senor Castillos,” said the nurse. “I am just going to change your IV.” (IVs were dangerous until the 70s. You may want to keep that in mind. On first read, it felt, too modern)
He did so hate the cheerful tone she kept. [This implies a familiarity, but she doesn't have a name.]
“There is good news. A musical group from the university is coming this afternoon,” she said as she switched the saline bags. [ This Company developed "the VIAFLEX plastic IV container" during the 60s and introduced it in 1970.]
At least this one speaks decent English. [Huh?] I wish you would just speak Spanish. [Huh? With the last sentence, this is confusing.] Does it not occur to you that my name is Spanish? I have been speaking that language, in one dialect or another for over four hundred years. [Nice hook, but it feels forced.]
But he was now reduced to a shell of a man—skin and precious little bone. [PoV? This reads like it's very distant.] He couldn’t speak at all.
“They are called the Campus Owls. They are volunteering their
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 15, 2008).]
Nope, not a fountain of youth story. I can see your concern though. I might rearange this a little to get more of the speculative in it now that you mention it. I am not sure I can rely on the title.
I'd agree with IB that the following dialogue is confusing:
"At least this one speaks decent English. I wish you would just speak Spanish."
The hook is nice, but it does seem like an unlikely self-dialogue. Given he is mute, could the nurse patronise him and have him mentally give a prideful response (i.e. Don't treat me like a child, I'm 400 years old) set out your hook? I'm presuming that his age is the hook you want to get across, rather than his precise origins.
Other than that, it seems like a promising 1st 13.
Regards,
Nick