Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Still Untitled - SF - First 13

This is topic Still Untitled - SF - First 13 - 6000 Words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Okay, I think I'm ready to get some full crits on this puppy. I've gone back to something more akin to the original first 13 although I'm now in first person/past tense. Below are the first 13. If you are interested in giving the full story a read, let me know.

quote:

Ellen and my unborn son had been dead for nearly six hours.
I stood staring at her naked, motionless body. She was locked in a stasis chamber. Her pregnant belly distended awkwardly from her otherwise slender body. The peaceful expression on her face showed no sign of her unfortunate condition.
I heard the sound of the hospital room door opening and knew that the doctor was ready for me.
I leaned close over the glass enclosure that held her and whispered, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
There were tears in my eyes when I turned to meet the knowing gaze of Dr. Tucker. She offered me a half-smile and motioned for me to mount the gurney. The nurse looked away when I caught her misty eyed glance.

This story uses a device I've seen used successfully where the initial opening is actually the ending and then the rest of the story tells how the protag got to that point.

I like the story but I'm curious how well I've implemented the device as well as the first person PoV (this is my first).

Thanks for reading.

Anthony

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Anthony,

Send it through if you're willing. I'll take a few days.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Send 'er over and I'll give 'er a read!

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Sent to Nick T, annepin and Bent Tree.

Thanks!

Anthony