Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled

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Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

I've finally finished the first draft of this one. It's turned out a lot more graphic than I'd originally planned, so you'll need a reasonably strong stomach. Comments on the 1st 13 and readers for the whole thing appreciated.

Regards

Nick

Winston Sparks felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around.
“They’re gonna be coming back with ‘guilty’ ain’t they?" Ricky Bell whispered in his ear. Winston tried to gauge his mood. The man’s eyes were wet black stones, filled with cynical amusement at what passed before him. As Winston watched, Ricky nodded toward the bishop and then at the empty wooden pews where the jury had knelt. "I’m gonna get death. But you," he said, “you'll be experiencing mandatory Empathy for those dead whores." Winston removed his glasses and rubbed his face. The man was about to get hung by the neck and he still took a vicious pleasure in Winston’s misfortune.
“I’ve relived murder five times now, I can take it.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

Winston Sparks felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around.
Don't think you need the "he"

“They’re gonna be coming back with ‘guilty’ ain’t they?"
"be coming" could be "come"

Ricky Bell whispered in his ear. new paragraph here Winston tried to gauge his mood. The man’s eyes were wet black stones, filled with cynical amusement at what passed before him.

As Winston watched,
we already know he's watching, maybe he's also squirming, or just take this part out and focus on Ricky

Ricky nodded toward the bishop and then at the empty wooden pews where the jury had knelt. "I’m gonna get death. But you," he said, “you'll be experiencing mandatory Empathy for those dead whores."
This confused me a little (not hard to do). The two things he's comparing (death sentence, and mandatory empathy) don't really seem related. I think the word "experiencing" might be the problem. Maybe try something a little less voluntary.

Winston removed his glasses and rubbed his face. The man was about to get hung by the neck and he still took a vicious pleasure in Winston’s misfortune.
“I’ve relived [the?] murder five times now, I can take it.

Send the whole thing over, I am hooked.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Alliedfive,

In case you didn't get it (all kinds of problems with email), let me know if you're still waiting on this.

I'd also appreciate any other critiquers as this is a story that I'd like to try and get ready for publication at some stage.

Cheers,

Nick