How's this? It seems to want to be a juvenile story, but fun. How can I improve on it?
The adventure began on Wednesday on the way home from school. Tommy started it when he said, “I don’t believe in basements. You know-Santa, fairies, basements–only babies think they're real.” “The big store downtown has a basement.” Roger hitched up his knapsack as he and Tommy walked along the sidewalk. “I’ve been there with my mom.” “Doesn’t count. That’s a skyscraper. It’d fall over if it didn’t have a basement to weight it down. What I’m talking about is the kind where your mom sends you down to get something then a hand reaches out and grabs you. They don’t really build houses like that.” This was Houston, Texas. He was right. “We’ve got a basement in our house.” said Roger.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 11, 2008).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Nice, Arriki! I live in Arizona, now, and nobody has basements here, either. I moved here from Michigan, where everyone had them. I could totally see my kids debating basements. Don't forget the smell.
I didn't see anything that needed changed. Unless one of the kids argued that the space under the skyscraper was a power-plant/utilities access space rather than a basement. It sounds like it's going to be fun. I'd be happy to read when you're finished.
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
There are elements of the conversation that seem unrealistic. The kid is lumping basement’s in with Santa and fairies but he seems to have enough comprehension of structure to realize that they do exist and even admits to knowing the store has one. Indeed his explanation as to why the store has one is pretty accurate. He even appears to grasp on some level that tract houses are all built the same by the same builder. “Liar. Your folks bought the same house as mine did,” It’s a strange thing for a kid to declare “I don’t believe basements exist.” A basement is just a void, why would a kid make such a bizarre leap of logic. In all likelihood, a kid as articulate as this would have asked an adult long before debating this with his friends, probably the same adult who explained to him about why the store has one.
I think I would have him simply argue that none of the houses in Texas have basements to avoid the above, reader thought pattern.
“This was Houston, Texas. He was right.”
You have your narrator as wiser than your introduced characters. It could be that this is going be first person but we haven’t met your MC yet? If Tommy and Roger are your MC’s then you’ve picked an unusual voice, one that knows and sees more than your characters. This will make it harder for your readers to identify with your characters. Rather the reader will subconsciously try to identify with the narrator but this will be distracting if they don’t know who the narrator is. It won’t read as comfortably as it would if the voice only knows what the characters know. I have however, seen this sort of writing before in YA fiction, it tends to be the sort of thing that has to be read aloud so that the teacher or whoever is reading takes up the role of narrator.
This is very well written but anyone who’s been around this board knows that you’re an accomplished writer. I am certain that this is a great story idea. Hope these comments help.
Tracy
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
i am dithering between having Tommy say that only babies believe in Santa, fairies and basements or having him say that they're only real in books.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Thanks for the offer to read, debhoag. I'm emailing you a copy in rtf format.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Am I losing it or is this a revised 13, I could have sworn I read it before. Any rate I liked it then and I like it more now. I wasn't confused by the basement vs basement issue. I like the fact that one boy was just thinking of the generic term basement where the other boy was thinking of the "Basement of Nightmares."
If you're looking for readers I'd be glad to read.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
No, I haven't revised it. I see She Almighty did cut the last two lines.