Jerrel Emsuss sat up from his bed, breathing a sigh of relief, and walked out of his bedroom towards the washing room with his one-piece cybernetic armor suit slung over his shoulder, pleased with the results of his work. After one hour of repetitive washing and wiping, Jerrel had finally removed the last bloodstain from his suit. The chore took him almost as long as the mission itself to accomplish, and bored him excruciatingly, even after the thousandth time. Most missions required close-quarter combat, and when they did, Jerrel knew he would have to perform this task. It gave him time to cool down after each job, however, and that was always something to look forward to after the stress he never ceased to encounter on the job. He knew it was necessary errand – after all, no professional assassin could have malfunctioning equipment.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Jerrel Emsuss sat up from his bed, breathing a sigh of relief (why?), and walked out of his bedroom towards the washing room with his one-piece cybernetic armor suit slung over his shoulder, pleased with the results of his work.
-This is a very long opening sentence. Break it into smaller chunks. Also waking up at the begining of a story is a cliche.
e.g.
Jerrel Emsuss sat up from his bed and breathed a sigh of relief. He walked to the washing room, his one-piece cybernetic armor suit slung over his shoulder. He was(?) pleased with the results of his work.
After one hour of (repetitive-cut. An hour of washing and wiping is going to be repetitive, you don't need to tell us) washing and wiping, Jerrel (had-cut) finally removed the last bloodstain from (his--we know) the suit. The chore took him (almost-cut) as long as the mission [b](itself-cut) to accomplish, and bored him excruciatingly.[b](cut-, even after the thousandth time(it would be more boring after the thousandth time not less boring0. Most missions required close-quarter combat, and when they did, Jerrel knew he would have to perform this task. It gave him time to cool down after each job, however, and that was always something to look forward to after the stress he never ceased to encounter on the job. He knew it was necessary errand – after all, no professional assassin could have malfunctioning equipment.
I can't find a hook apart from the fact he is an assassin. I am not really interested in the cleaning process and you seem to have used this less interesting part of his job to explain what he does. Smells like an info dump disguised as something else. I think it is a bad choice for a start. You also seem to contradict yourself when you say initially how he hates this chore,but then later how he looks forward to it.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 15, 2008).]
Posted by Marcellios (Member # 7792) on :
Thanks for the response. Those are all very good points, but what was most important was the fact that I started it all off with a pretty boring scene. I'll re-think the beginning and type it up.