Here's the 13 ...
The rain beat down on the highway like blood on a slaughter house floor. Desert rain always made me uneasy. It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing. The sweet oblivion that I might never know.
Barstow is a **** hole of a town. Two major highways and a railyard bring in vagrants and desperados from the better places. Everyone here behaves like dogs, and dreams all die before they get here. All the whores have lost their taste. It figures Trango would be in a town like this. Flies to ... you know.
quote:
The rain beat down on the highway like blood on a slaughter house floor.[ethics aside - I don't picture blood-letting as similar to rain] Desert rain always made me uneasy. It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing.[I don't understand this at all] The sweet oblivion that I might never know. [immortal or damned? - fragment?]Barstow is a **** hole of a town. Two major highways and a railyard bring in vagrants and desperados [choose one]from the better places.[are you saying the vagrants are better than the townspeople?] Everyone here behaves like dogs, and dreams all die before they get here.[does "they" refer to "everyone" - if so there is a grammatical problem - otherwise it is still disjointed and not comma friendly] All the whores have lost their taste.[What?] It figures Trango would be in a town like this. Flies to ... you know.[Uh - I don't know...]
I personally think first person is very difficult to write. In addition to that you are giving me a very confusing info dump, because I can't make sense of your analogies. I understand this is an unpleasant town, but you haven't really told me why or why I should care. Flesh the town and these people out. Make them real - if everyone is so unlikeable, why should I keep reading?
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 20, 2008).]
I'm having a little trouble with desert rain (pounding monsoon) like blood in a slaughterhouse (flowing, seeping?).
I also like the image of the town with highways and raillines bringing in the people whose dreams have died.
Overall I like the way you set up the mood of the piece.
I don't get what hookers losing taste means, though.
I'd be glad to read.
M
I have a pretty good idea of where I want the story to go, so I should be wrapping it up soon. I'll shoot you a draft, Mary, as soon as it's complete.
I realize the title sucks. I just kind of made it up on the fly, and I don't like it much myself. It was a working title that I think I am able to work past by now. As for the line about the whores losing their taste, I get that that was a pretty vague metaphor. I'll be swapping it with a simile instead.
Again, thank you all so much for helping me with this.
Greg-
quote:
It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing. The sweet oblivion that I might never know.
I figured out the "whore" comment, although it's very oblique.
And I figured out the "flies to..." comment, but I had to go back and read it a couple of times.
I still can't find a reason to like this character or the town. Granted, I suppose there are times when a main character is unlikable - I think of Catcher in the Rye.
If it is any consolation, I loved your intro over in the new member section.
I think I like this one better: Damned if you do ...
If you wouldn't mind changing it for me that'd be great.
Thanks in advance,
Greg-
quote:
I think I like this one better: Damned if you do ...
I really like that title. It's a hook in itself.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 21, 2008).]
and I like the new title, except for I couldn't find this story again when I went looking for it. =P
Thanks in advance,
Greg-