Final 1st thirteen

Mel Norman squinted at the bathroom mirror and a stranger stared back.

Mel spun around reflexively to find the intruder, but found himself alone.
In the mirror was a short, stout, dark-haired and completely unfamiliar reflection mimicking his every move.

Mel felt a slow boil begin in the pit of his stomach.

"Honey!" he drew the word out and terminated it with a shrill whine.

The man in the mirror was sweating by the time his wife poked her head into the bathroom.

"Must you? At this hour? What?" she said.

Mel was irritated by her tone, and her inattention. He spread his hands and gestured, like a game show hostess, at his face

Original version

Mel Norman shuffled over the cold bathroom tile and hesitated a moment before flipping on the light. Mornings were painful, always, but that day he felt like his skull was stuffed with cotton. He squeezed his eyes tighter as the bulbs hummed to blinding life. He sighed heavily, knowing how dramatic it sounded, and forced his eyes open.
He looked in the mirror and blinked slowly at the man staring back. It wasn't him. He kept staring, locked in a groggy mental paralysis as his brain tried to reconcile what it was seeing; dream or hallucination. Dizziness and vertigo set in then; panic beginning a slow boil in the pit of his stomach.
"Honey!" he drew the word out, terminating it with a shrill whine.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited December 02, 2008).]
 

I'm assuming you are going to give us an explanation almost immediately of what he sees that causes him to react this way - you can hold off on the surprise for only so long without really coming across as manipulating your readership. The real hook is what HAS happened to him, not us waiting to find out what's happened.
 

I was trying to say that he saw a man in the mirror who wasn't him, an unfamiliar man. It gets much clearer in a sentence or two, but the fact that you both read that and thought there was something monstrous in the mirror, tells me that I blew it. Any suggestions?
 

I’d suggest showing us straight away how he’s a different person (does it look like him, but there’s something subtly off or is it a completely different man?). Does he study the mirror image for a second not sure why it feels wrong or is an instantaneous shock?

Maybe you could get away with some vagueness for while if you have a really good reason for it, but it’s a considered risk.

A minor point is that I think that for a lot of the second paragraph, you could probably stick with the bodily descriptions (him blinking, the churn in his gut) and let the reader infer what he’s feeling, rather than out-and-out stating it. You could probably a lot with a little here.

It takes a little bit of time for anything to actually happen here as you’ve spent a bit of time getting to the point of looking in the mirror. Is it that important that he’s not a morning person? The point of looking into the mirror is the hook, so I think you could almost start with that after you name him.

As always, just my ill-considered thoughts.

Regards,

Nick
 

The face that stared back was not him. His jaw dropped--so did the image's. But last time he checked his hair was brown, not blond, and his eyes blue, not the steely grey that stared back at him.
 

Revised 1st thirteen:

Mel Norman looked in his bathroom mirror and a stranger stared back. Reflexively, Mel spun around to find the intruder, but he was alone. He turned back towards the mirror in time to see a small dark man mimicking his every move. Dizziness and vertigo set in then; panic beginning a slow boil in the pit of his stomach.
"Honey!" he drew the word out, terminating it with a shrill whine.
The man in the mirror was sweating by the time his wife poked her head into the bathroom.
"Must you? At this hour? What?" she said.
Mel was irritated by her tone, and her inattention. He spread his hands and gestured, like a game show hostess, at his face

Any improvement? I guess its not that shocking to not recognize yourself, but I'm trying to convey that he sees someone who doesn't look a thing like Mel is used to seeing.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 28, 2008).]
 

Can you wait until next week? I've got 200 pages of various stories to look at by this weekend (writer's retreat), but I'm free after that.

Nick
 

Send it through at your leisure...I won't open it until Monday of next week at the earliest.

NIck