Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fantasy; 10,250 words

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Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

They always say third time's the charm, and I hope they're right. Two things I'd like on this first 13: 1)I'd like a crit on it, and 2) I feel the whole novella is ready for readers. Let me know what you think

Wyatt peered into the holding pen, and the black leopard mare chose that moment to hold his gaze with her own. He drew in a startled gasp. She was a ghost that had stepped right out of his past. He shivered and felt goose bumps spread over his arms. “Black Rain,” he whispered.

He shot a quick glance at Silas standing behind him. Good. He hadn’t heard him. Only Mom was aware of his spirit guide’s identity, and he wanted to keep it that way. Silas had one, too, but the vision quest had been just to humor Mom when they were kids. After all it was her side of the family that traced to the Nez Perce.

“So, do you want to trade or not?” Silas asked him again.

He shook the past clear of his brain. Silas knew he hated

NOTE: Please go down to the fifth post to see revisions on this story .

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited September 09, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hi Crystal, I remember this piece. I'm glad you've been working on it. Unfortunately, I really can't commit to reading such a long piece at this time, but here are my thoughts on the first 13:

quote:

Wyatt peered into the holding pen, and the black leopard mare chose that moment to hold his gaze with her own. He drew in a startled gasp. She was a ghost that had stepped right out of his past This tells me that this was a real horse at one time that Wyatt had when he was a kid or something. But it's not, right? It seems the more pertinent part of this is that the horse this horse, up to this point, existed only in the spirit world. That would be a much better hook, I'd think. This feels a bit cliched to me (the "from his past" bit).. He shivered and felt goose bumps spread over his arms Not sure you need shivered and goosebumps. A little redundant. I'd go for goosebumps over shivered.. “Black Rain,” he whispered.
He shot a quick You could safely cut "quick"--glances usually are glance at Silas standing behind him. Good. He hadn’t heard him. Only Mom was aware of his spirit guide’s identity, and he wanted to keep it that way. Silas had one, too, but the vision quest had been just to humor Mom when they were kids So... does he still think it's full of crap? I'm unclear of the extent of his experience with the horse. Is this what makes him believe in his mom, or has he already been believing in his mom? Reworking this line could make this clear, and provide a better hook, IMO. After all it was her side of the family that traced to the Nez Perce.
“So, do you want to trade or not?” Silas asked him again.
He shook the past clear of his brain A little cliche. Also, not necessary--he's already pulled himself out when he shot a glance at Silas, in my opinion. Silas knew he hated

I would turn the page. There are some things I'm wary of and would want answered in the next page or so. It's a trust issue--I want to be certain this story is well thought out. For instance, I would want to know why they are trading horses, and if Silas is asking him again, why Wyatt has, only just now, seen the horse for the first time.

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

Thanks for the crit, and you are right on several points about certain word conflicts.

I'll have to give some thought about making Wyatt's beliefs about his mom stronger, though I do bring that out more later on. It's not really the strong point of the story but more a vehicle to an end.

You're also right on with your guess that several things mentioned here will be cleared up in the next page or two. Actually in the next few sentences. The two brothers are working at a horse auction that's about to get underway. The American Indian connection is key to the whole story and will eventually explain Black Rain's importance to Wyatt.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Crystal,

I largely agree with Annepin here. I think the hook could be clarified a little and information needs to given to the reader as it's needed.

If Black Rain had just been something to pacify his mother, would he react with the kind of shock you’ve described? My initial impression was that his reaction should be more puzzlement and disbelief. The goosebumps works fine, but the gasp seemed a little overdone. That may just be me.

The flow of information may be a little bit better if you shifted your starting point just slightly. One opening sentence framing the situation and then letting things flow would probably help the “trust” issues be less apparent.

I doesn’t sound like my kind of fiction, but I’ll give it a read-through if you’re not in a hurry for a response.

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 04, 2008).]

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

I had to let this story rest for a few days before I could read it with fresh eyes,and keep everyone's advice in mind. I must say that you folks were right on. So, here's my revision. See what you think, and I'm still in need of some readers:

Just like every Saturday morning, Wyatt inspected the sale horses he’d be leading through the auction. He stopped to examine a black leopard mare in the nearest holding pen when she chose that moment to capture his gaze with her own. His arms tightened with goose bumps. Deep in her eyes was something he hadn’t seen in years.

“Black Rain,” he whispered. The goose bumps eased away but not the memories. Not with his Indian spirit guide staring him right in the face.

Mom was descended from the Nez Perce, and the vision quest had been nothing more than a childish game. He and Silas had fallen asleep to dream of contacting their spirit guides, and his had been Black Rain.