[This message has been edited by Zero (edited October 02, 2008).]
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
The first version was hooky-er for me.
I like the "What the heck" sense at the end of the first 13. The second version is too static for me - just two "guys" sitting around a train yard.
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
Version 1, no doubt. You had me wanting more. Are these part of the same scene?
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Yes. They are alternate starts to the same story. The second one was written first, but the first hit me so I put it together today.
Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :
I like version 1. Definitely hooked me.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
1.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Yup, 1.
The numbers and details in 2 were distracting.
Shouldn't it be: he trod, though?
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited September 18, 2008).]
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
I don't know. Maybe. I hope not, because I think "trod" sounds stupid.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Oh and thanks everyone so far. I'm still interested in further thoughts and comments, but I'm happy to see unanimity, with writing advice it's hard to find complete consensus.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Sorry to bump this but I made a change on the top.
Posted by Kaz (Member # 7968) on :
Version 3 for me.
Although I think the period of the end of the first sentence here should be turned into a comma.
quote:His pulse quickened and again he stepped aside, but again the train adjusted, closing in. The tracks materializing at his feet wherever he moved.
Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :
Version 3, but I'd watch how often you use "as" to describe what is happening. You have it 3 times in the version 3 first 13.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Kaz, what if I change it to "the tracks materialized at his feet..." instead of "materializing" would that work better?
sj, nice catch. But is it really a problem?
Posted by Lyrajean (Member # 7664) on :
Version 3 has the best clearest hook. Getting better. I'm intrigued. sounds interesting.
Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :
I think having it in the second and third sentence back-to-back broke the flow or distracted me. It felt like you were saying "and then this happened" followed by "and then that happened". But if I'm the only one it bothered, it could just be me. It didn't bother me enough to stop reading.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Zero,
Version 3 is a nice start and an effective hook. Well done.
I'd agree that having "as if" three times in the opening 13 is a bit too much. It's a slightly unusual construction, so it does stand out when you use it three times in such close succession.
There's a bit of vagueness in the opening too...I realise the protag doesn't know exactly what's going on, but I felt a little bit lost too. He knows what he's doing there (even if he doesn't know the source of the hum), so it feels strange that we don't know why he's following the hum.
I'd cut the "as if aiming for him" (if it can follow him after he's jumped off the rails, it's implied that it's aiming for him). I'd also cut one of the instances of the protag looking down and seeing the tracks shift. You've shown the train following him, you only need to explain how it does this once for the scene to work.
Hope this helps,
regards,
Nick
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Yes, good points. Thanks.
Posted by Kaz (Member # 7968) on :
quote:Kaz, what if I change it to "the tracks materialized at his feet..." instead of "materializing" would that work better?
I believe it would, Zero.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
version 3
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Bump - Updated
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Zero,
I like version 4, it seems to do everything you need it to do from my viewpoint. Don't re-write too much and lose your voice.
Nick
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Yeah. Is it too choppy?
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Zero,
I'd probably choose to write it a different way, but it's not my story. You can't please everyone and I think it's fine as an opening 13. It doesn't seem to choppy to me; certainly not so choppy that it would dissuade me from reading further.
Nick
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Thanks everyone! Especially Nick for coming back again and again.
