Everywhere Death looked on the battlefield a lesser being begged to die. The goddess’ hands reached out to end their misery. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and demons squashed by clubs. Everywhere, beings begged to die. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves.
“What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the lesser deity that accompanied her.
“None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.”
“Free will, another poorly thought brilliant idea.”
Revision:
Everywhere that Death looked, a mortal begged to die. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves.
“What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the minor deity that accompanied her.
“None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.”
“Free will, another poorly thought out brilliant idea.”
“Careful, Goddess. We may walk among these creatures unseen but as long as we are on this lower plane, nothing will escape the
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 20, 2008).]
Great hook--except it seems a little poorly thought through :-)
I'd suggest calling it a Free Will edict, with caps, to give it the pompous gravitas they seem to expect of Jupiter.
I'd also suggest fewer "lessers". I found myself having to distinguish carefully between lesser deities and lesser beings--which are also mortals, if I have it right.
Sounds like a gruesome story so, not being a grue lover, I'm not sure I'd read on. But if I were, I certainly would.
Hope this helps,
Pat
Is the goddess Death? I wasn't sure when I read it and still can't figure it out. A female grim reaper or other form of death as a female is a cool idea, if that's indeed what you're going for.
Goddess is capitalized in one sentence and not capitalized in another.
Not sure I care for the repeated usage of the words "lesser" and "being". I would consult my thesaurus on this one. Entities or mortals are two alternatives for beings that spring to mind.
"demons squashed by clubs"
Not sure squashed works for me here, but that might just be me. I do like the ogre with a partially severed head and the elf impaled by a spear though.
In my opinion, you can come up with a much better title for this story.
This looks like it has a ton of potential. Keep up the good work.
The mixed mythology puts me off a bit. Elves, a Goddess of Death, and Jupiter? Seems like a melding of the Iliad and Lord of the Rings.
I like the somewhat satirical tone, however.
I'm very interested to see how the next revision of this turns out. Best regards,
Brant
quote:
Everywhere Death looked on the battlefield a lesser being begged to die. The goddess’ hands reached out to end their misery.
I'm pretty sure "the goddess" refers to Death here, but at first it wasn't clear, at least to me.
Also, I'm not liking the "ogres, elves, demons" sentence. I think it's too early to go into that kind of detail when what you're focusing on is how Death has her hands a bit too full with helping people pass into the next world.
Still, the dialog at the end was good, I'd have probably gone on reading.
I posted a revision up top.
quote:
Not to be contradictory, but I for one don't mind, and even enjoy, the mixing of various mythologies in stories. Maybe just a matter of taste, but I wouldn't abandon it if I were you. Sorry, Annepin. Please don't hate me!
Snapper, I think the revision is much stronger. It takes care of the repetitiveness and moves the story forward.
"Her hands never stopped." I'm not sure that without reading the first revision we'd have known that "her" referred to Death, because "Goddess" comes later. In fact, for a moment, I thought "her" might refer to the demon.
Hope this helps,
Pat
One minor nit, can you give the lesser deity a name? Wouldn't the Goddess know it's name? I always think speaking characters should have some sort of title or name.
Regards,
Melissa
quote:
Everywhere that Death looked, a mortal begged to die. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves.
I feel you have a strong premesis here, it just feels like a summary versus a scene. Does that make sense?
Everywhere [that]- Do you need this? Death looked, a mortal begged to die. [There was]- Maybe instead of "There was" you could say "she saw" to make it more active and get us in her head more.
an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club This made me think a giant club smashed the demon Python style.
Her hands never stopped.Nice
There were just too many dying mortals to service.Don't think you need this sentence, it's implied already.
Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves.
“What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the minor deity that accompanied her.
“None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.” I think replacing "these creatures" with "them" would make this read smoother, since we know who he's talking about.
“Free will, another poorly thought out brilliant idea.” I like this, but I did have to read it slowly.
“Careful, Goddess. We may walk among these creatures unseen but as long as we are on this lower plane, nothing will escape the
Brant
A Fate Worse Than Death.
("Than is used for comparatives; "then" indicates a chronological sequence, as in, first this, then that. Sorry if all this is a typo, but it's a common enough error I thought I'd point it out, just in case!)
As for marketability--there's lots of markets still out there. I bet you'll find a home for this one.