“Something on your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me.
“Am I killer, Tyrone?”
“No, you’re not a killer,” Tyrone looked serious, “because they aren’t human--they’re no-hums. They just look like us. Didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away.
He brought them down to me on a trolley--six an hour--crammed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were past their expiry dates, and then burn them.
Sometimes you could hear them scream, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel.
“Help me,” one said, as I swung her on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye.
Revised:
“Am I killer, Tyrone?”
Tyrone looked at me. “No, Subbie, you’re not a killer. They aren’t human, they’re su--" The furnace belched fire behind him. "...well, not real humans, anyway. They just look like us."
He brought them down to Termination Level on a trolley--six an hour--crammed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were past their expiry dates, and then burn them.
Sometimes you could hear them scream, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel.
“Help me,” one said, as I swung her on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 06, 2008).]
quote:
“Something on , your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me.
“Am I killer, Tyrone?”
I think it may help if we learn something about the MC before this point.
I felt sick to my stomach, again. I wondered if the butchers in those ancient slaughterhouses felt the same way. Living things going in, dead carcasses going out. Maybe they were like Tyrone, nothing seemed to bother him. Well almost nothing.
“Something on your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me.
“Am I killer, Tyrone?”
"Am I a killer, Tyrone?"
How do you not read the next line?
I think the first line is pointless. I also don't like Tyrone's response. There it does get kinda cheesy.
I agree that I'm going to need more character. Maybe before we get to the no-hum (is that no-humm or no-hume? - not sure how to pronounce that) that's asking for help, I need to know more about this character.
Of course, they are humans (the no-hums), this is a story based in a sort nazi future world. Except it isn't a racially divided society; it is class-based, hence the title, Master Class.
I guess I was going for kind of day-to-day exchange between people who work together, with the reader being the only person who gets the horror of the real situation.
The MC is called 'Subbie' because he is a no-hum (but he doesn't realise it). 'Subbie' stands for sub-human.
I have tried to understand why you (plural) think it sounds cheesy, but I can't see it myself. My dialogue doesn't usually receive crits commenting on its cheesiness, so I am left confused.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 04, 2008).]
like has been said before, i had a bit of trouble with the first several lines. im not sure how to interpret 'hoaky' or 'cheesy', but the dialogue didnt catch me. by the time i got to the wire mesh cages, however, i was hooked. by the end i think i actually said "oooooo......"
just a question, is it supposed to be "Am I killer," or
"Am I a killer," --this threw me first time reading through.
I was hoping someone would explain what they found 'cheesy/hoakey' about the dialogue. I can't fix it if I don't know.
The only nit is 'He chuckled as he walked away' - 'chuckled' is sticking out at me. It's a bit too... jolly, I suppose - same as if you'd put 'giggled'. EDIT: now that you've told us that Subbie is a no-hum, Tyrone's laughter makes sense. I still think 'chuckled' is a bit too lighthearted, though.
Otherwise, no problems, would definitely read on.
Re. others' comments:
I don't think it needs a lead-in - I read it the way I think you intended it (Subbie isn't having a great moral dilemma, isn't torn up inside about what he's doing - nothing so dramatic. It's an everyday conversation, and the horror is in the way that they are so blithe about it). Giving it some kind of buildup would make it more than it is.
I think 'They just look like us. Didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away.' is the cheesy bit. It's the 'didn't anyone tell you?' that does it, though it's hard to explain why... I did notice it when I read it, but it didn't put me off, particularly.
I agree that you could safely drop the first line; I think starting with 'Am I a killer, Tyrone?' has more impact.
Hope this helps,
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 06, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 06, 2008).]
The original started with the line 'Am I a killer?", but I thought I would give a tiny lead in. Perhaps my first instinct was right.
I think I get the bit about 'Didn't anyone tell you?" now you mention it. Also why would they tell him--they think he is sub-human, after all.
"Am I (a) killer, Tyrone?" thats a good first line. JMO
Annepin, I'd like to know what you mean by "hoakey" as well. I understand what it means but I'm curious of how it applies here in your mind. Maybe you see something we don't, which is always welcome knowledge. Also, which commercial are you referring to?
quote:
Annepin, I'd like to know what you mean by "hoakey" as well. I understand what it means but I'm curious of how it applies here in your mind. Maybe you see something we don't, which is always welcome knowledge. Also, which commercial are you referring to?
I didn't catch it until skadder explained it, but the fact that the MC is one of the subhumans and seems completely unaware of it is very interesting and has a lot of potential. I might read on to discover more about him.
I seem to have come back online too late to offer anything useful, but I will echo what Annepin has said...when I read the opening 13, it didn't strike me as authentic. It's a strong concept for a story, but it seems to me that this kind of feeling should be a nagging doubt that builds up over time...right now, it seems too obvious that they are feeling intelligent beings (screaming, saying "help me"); I'd personally build up to the protag's realisation a bit slower and sacrifice the immediacy of the hook.
Regards,
Nick
I'd offer to read the whole thing, but its something I'd skip if I came across it in a magazine, and I'm not sure either of us want me critiquing it. Good luck revising it and getting it out there!