Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Attention to detail

This is topic Attention to detail - SF Unfinished in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Not quite sure where I'm going for this one (usually not a good sign)...I've got a goal of 3000 words in just over a week for a critique group. Comments on the 1st 13 welcome and eventually readers (if I finish it).

Regards,

Nick

Dr Grant guided Claire as they re-experienced her memories of her son. He kept pausing the flow of memories.
<See how he squirmed to being touched? Neurotypical children love being held. As we observed in your experiences of nursing, his aversion to touch was apparent from birth. So was his fascination with patterned objects. William was born autistic.>
She conceptualized the safe-word to abort the re-experiencing and the sensation of being an invisible ghost at her own funeral vanished.
As she reoriented herself to normality, a wave of sorrow for Billy threatened to overwhelm her. She did not want to cry in front of Dr Grant, but a sob forced its way out.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hmm I feel a sense of tragic loss already... I liked what you done here even though I don't enjoy reading tragic scenes it touched me so you accomplished that...btw as an aside are your arrows for italics? I use open office and can't get italics to down load ...that looks like a great idea to show them....

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Honu,

In this forum, I use [the letter i] to start italics and [/the letter i] to stop them. I'm not sure whether that would work for you.

Here, I'm using <> to indicate exchanged "thoughts". For direct character thoughts, I'd still use italics. If I'm submitting something, I'd use underlining instead of italics, as per the convention.

Regards,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 30, 2008).]

Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

Hey Nick,

I like what you have so far. It's interesting. My suggestion is only in the sentence order. I changed the location of a few of them, but they are only suggestions. If you finish it I'd like to read the rest.

Melissa

Dr Grant guided Claire as they re-experienced her memories of her son.
<See how he squirmed at being touched?> He said pausing the flow of memories. <Neurotypical children love being held. As we observed in your experiences of nursing, his aversion to touch was apparent from birth. So was his fascination with patterned objects. William was born autistic.>
She conceptualized the safe-word and aborted the re-experiencing.
As she reoriented herself to normality the sensation of being an invisible ghost at her own funeral vanished. A wave of sorrow for Billy threatened to overwhelm her. She did not want to cry in front of Dr Grant, but a sob forced its way out.

Posted by ereitman (Member # 8265) on :

I like it, but I like Melissa's re-ordering even more. Looks like a really interesting start.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

Interesting stuff.

I like Melissa's re-ordering--the “He kept pausing” was off-putting where it was.

You might like to simplify some of your word choices: conceptualized, re-experiencing, sensation, reoriented, normality. Any would probably work on its own, but together they push the register a little high.

quote:

a wave of sorrow for Billy threatened to overwhelm her. She did not want to cry in front of Dr Grant, but a sob forced its way out.

Telling, plus emo dump. As a reader, I tend to get turned off if I'm exposed to a whole lot of emotion from characters I've barely met. Given the context, a very little would suffice to let me know how she must be feeling--and it would leave more room to go on tell me the rest of your story.

Still not done with War Memorial, yet, but I'd be happy to take a look at this when I am.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

Your story interests me. I've had some experience in the field of autism, and people with varying degrees of autism seem to have a way of gravitating toward me. I've actually been putting together ideas for two stories of my own about the subject. Don't worry though, mine appear to be going in a different direction than yours.

I also thought Rosalie's reordering improved the flow of the opening lines.

quote:
She conceptualized the safe-word to abort the re-experiencing and the sensation of being an invisible ghost at her own funeral vanished.

Having her "say" or think "the safe-word" might be a more effective way of conveying this part. I didn't understand the "ghost at her own funeral" part. It appears that she the one that is alive, but she is possibly grieving for her son.

I'd continue reading.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the comments. Rosalie, great re-write. I've had a shot at getting the idea together for this story, but it's just not flowing at the moment, so I've moved onto another story idea. Philocinemas, you're free to work away :-)

Regards,

Nick