Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Tim of Hammersmith, fiction/fantasy

This is topic Tim of Hammersmith, fiction/fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by avsje (Member # 8379) on :

Hej från Sweden! I need examples with how to write a telephone conversation. What makes a telephone conversation different from a regular quote? If someone is out there, and would like to read the five page piece, please let me know, avsje@msn.com

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Tim looked at his watch. If I wrap this up fast, I will still have time to make it to the barber, he thought. He ran his hand through his hair, trying to comb back the stubborn locks that fell over his eyes. There was a time when his hair was his best feature, but now thinning, it was his smile that won over the hearts of the people he met. His small frame moved quickly down the unpaved road. He fished in his pocket for a pen, and then up the overgrown steps to an old, one story building. The sides of the residence were partially covered by trees, and the front yard was cluttered with rusted car parts. Tim had just moved to Yettaboree and was eager to sink his teeth into a serious piece of news. Unable to locate the doorbell along side the paint chipped door, he had no choice but to knock.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 20, 2008).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi Tim, I will let others give you a more complete crit. Aloha from Hawaii btw

If you like, you can make a thought active by dropping the he thought and putting italics around the sentence. It's understood then that it is your MC's pov. so you use an i [in brackets like this] before the thought, then another /i after the sentence, [also in brackets] to make your italics sentence.
That's just something I am practicing so I thought I'd throw that out there...I am not hooked into your story so far, but that can be hard sometimes to develop your world setting, (THEN) the action or MC's dilemas in the first 13 lines....

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

The first sentence is good. It grabbed me and I am wondering what he wants to hurry through, why is he running late, what's he doing. Then it goes on to explain his looks and the scenery which I am not interested in. I just want to know what's going on and I start skimming and my mind wanders.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hi Avjse!

Welcome to hatrack. Let me comment on your first 13.

quote:
Tim looked at his watch. If I wrap this up fast, I will still have time to make it to the barber, he thought.

Perhaps you did (tough to say with the way it showed up), but I believe this should be a paragraph on it's own. Instead of the ',he thought', I suggest you italisize his thoughts.

Tim looked at his watch. If I wrap this up fast, I will still have time to make it to the barber.

As far as the rest goes, cut it. The entire thing. Your thirteen as they are does not hook in the slightest and at this poitn I couldn't even tell wihich genre this is (Sci-Fi, Mystery, Fantasy, Horror). In fact, I couldn't help but not to care about any of it. Dive right into what your piece is about. For example, if it were a fantasy...

quote:
Tim looked at his watch. If I wrap this up fast, I will still have time to make it to the barber.
He grabbed the gargoyled faced door knocker and rapped the tarnished brass piece against the stain-faded oak door. It creaked as it edged opened, sounding as if eight-foot antiqued crafted wonder would disintegrate before his eyes. A humped mans head poked through the opening. His two eyes moved independently. Tim's eyes darted back and forth, unsure which one eye he should focus on.
Tim cleared his throat and stuck his foot in the opening. "Excuse me, Sir. I represent the Afterworld Seance Evacuator company...

In otherwords, my Swedish friend. Make something interesting in your opening so the reader wants to turn the page. The house, his job, the second head on his neck, something. What you have does not hook, at all.

Now as far as a phone conversation. It's much like a regular conversation, just let the reader know your MC is on a phone...

quote:
Tim was in the process of rinsing his shampooed head when the phone rang. He hastily grabbed a towel and ran into the living room.
"Hammersmith!"
Tim stifled a groan, it was his boss, Hoarce Throat.
"How many Evacuators have you sold?"
"Um, nobody is buying the pitch that your vacuum cleaner exorcizes spirits, Sir."
"Bite your tongue, Hammersmith! I told you that it's an interdimensional portal that doubles as a handy household appliance, not a vacuum!"

Hope this helps!

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

I'm with Snapper here. The writing is nice, but there isn't any hook that would keep me reading.

[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited December 21, 2008).]