Otherwise I like it still.
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[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 23, 2009).]
If this is a comedy, I take that back. Eleven dimensions would be a great way to poke fun at stories that faked their way onto scienc fiction shelves.
There is a Strangler on the loose. I have to admit that is hooky.
"If it wasn't rogue cyborgs ..." -- If what wasn't? If "it" refers to the Centauri Stranglers, I think "it" ought to be "they".
Maybe I'm ignorant as well as humourless, but I didn't know they said we all have evil twins.
Wearing sunglasses while doing an autopsy makes no sense to me; making them "omniscopic" doesn't help especially when the adjective might imply they're somehow monolcular.
"Eleven dimensions" appears to mean that the glasses help him to see through someone's clothes and body, perhaps helpful in an autopsy except they're sunglasses, but I don't see how that makes them eleven dimensional.
You're a few lines short of 13.
The advertizing--at least a link to your primary website--could go in your profile and thus be available through any and all your posts.
... Now that I re-read it, I realize that you mean for "omniscopic" to imply some kind of all-seeing, rendering clothes and bodies somehow transparent. But I've left my original comments above, so you can see my initial reactions on first reading, for what they're worth.
Hope this helps,
Pat
OK, taking into consideration all feedback garnered so far, how about this:
"There's two Centauri Stranglers," Hercules Moonsmasher insisted yet again. "If it's not rogue cyborgs or defective clones, then maybe it's evil twins?"
Quasar D'Arete glanced up from the autopsy table in annoyance. Through his omniscopic sunglasses he could see his partner's bare chest and bulging muscles in eleven dimensions, along with the holographic dragon tattoo that covered his entire back. "Hercules, I didn't bring you up from Jupiter to help me think. All you have to do is carry that gun around for me." Quasar refocused his attention upon the cadavers, while Hercules fixed his blue-eyed stare upon the nine-thousand pound X-Gun lying next to the dead bodies.
Merlion, where you at bro?
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 12, 2009).]
I think you risk falling between two stools. The fantasy readers will think it's SF, and pass; the SF readers will spot the science holes, and pass. Somehow, you have to get past willing suspension of disbelief and although it's better, for me it's not working yet.
For example, now I know that M-Theory posits 11 dimensions. Fair enough, a clever, somehow literary allusion to a modern theory of physics. But I know that now, we think in four dimensions yet we see in three; so even if there are 11 dimensions, I can't imagine what seeing in 11 dimensions means. From the backstory you share I get that the glasses are super-powered, and perhaps this explains the 11-dimensionality; but from the first 13 I don't get it and, as an SF reader, would probably move on to another story. (Except that his attention on the big gun gets my attention, and would hook me for a moment longer.)
Same with the sunglasses. Okay, they're more than shades--but would he know them as sunglasses? That's the least of their many functions, so surely they'd have a cool name, Omniscoptics or iSee or something. Given the backstory, okay, I get it; but with just the first 13, willing suspension of disbelief is fragile.
Hope this helps,
Pat
Right off the bat, I'm being thrown in the middle of a conversation. Is this the best place to begin? Why not begin at the beginning of the conversation, so I have some kind of planted location or character to focus on? I feel like I'm on the second paragraph, not the first.
Your intro gets much better after that initial sentence. I start to get an idea of Quasar's and Hercules' relationship, their positions within the relationship, and their physical attributes.
It seems like Quasar will be the main character, or at least the person through whom we will see the story. I got that idea because of how we're looking through his glasses at Hercules...
But, the first sentence makes it seem like Hercules will be the main character. I connect with him first and subconsciously side with him first, instead of Quasar. If you want Hercules to be the point of view, don't jump into a description of him from Quasar's point of view. If you want Quasar's point of view, then don't start the story with Hercules' opinion.
I'd also suggest waiting to introduce "Centauri Stranglers" and cyborgs and clones until AFTER you've done the initial introduction of the characters. Once I know who the characters are, or at least can guess "doctor and bodyguard" - that's when I'm ready to hear what they're observing.
I hope that helps! I just had a lot of confusion, but the relationship between these characters seems like it could be interesting.
I would love to read a story or two with these characters.
I'm sorry if I seemed to start an avalanche of negative criticism, it was not my intent. The writing I liked very much and unlike some I am not adverse to starting a story with dialogue.
You know MerlionEmrys? I haven't seen that poster in awhile. I liked Merlion.
OK, let's try this one on for size:
With a necrometer humming in his hands, Quasar D'Arete leaned back in his leather chair and rested his boots on the autopsy table. The Centauri Strangler always killed in fours, and its latest quartet of victims had just been teleported into the morgue of Quasar's spaceship. The corpses were still warm.
"There's two of them," Hercules Moonsmasher insisted yet again. "If it's not defective clones, then maybe it's evil twins?"
Quasar glanced up at his partner in annoyance. Through his dark, omniscopic spectacles he could see Hercules' bare chest and bulging muscles in eleven dimensions, along with the holographic dragon tattoo that covered his entire back.
"Hercules," he said, removing the black cigarette from his mouth and blowing a nebula of smoke into the air,
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 13, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 13, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 13, 2009).]
Of course, if it's not supposed to be funny, then my apologies. Then again, it's probably good that you should know either way.
And as long as it continues to be funny, I'd like to read more.
This opening works better than the first one; we're not being thrown into the middle of a conversation and we've been introduced to the characters. That makes it much easier to get a handle on what's happening.
From what I've seen of your stories and your webpages, you're clearly interested in alternative cultures, including the occult, and you've got a great chance to mix your personal interests with an old fashioned space fantasy.
As has been pointed out, physically "seeing" in 11 dimensions is nonsensical; the extra dimensions are spatial dimensions at less-than-planck length. Even with the flexibility of old-school space opera, it's a big stumbling block for a hard sci-fic reader and it's meaningless to a non hard sci-fic reader. Anyone who understands M-theory (2 people, neither of whom are me) will be confused while I don't think it adds anything for non-physicists. I don't think it's the type of "bad science" that works in space operas.
But what is cool in your explanation of the story is the mix of dark fantasy elements with the space opera stuff. Having glasses that can see psychic residue, death experiences, ghosts, the recent past, etc. mixed in with space opera is cool and different. Leave the physics stuff alone and have fun with the occult mixed in with space opera. That's fun and you don't have to worry about the story being scientifically plausible...if you throw in physics or other hard sci-fic terms, I think it actually detracts the kind of story you're really trying to tell. As someone who likes hard sci-fic (though I rarely understand it), I'd love to read a story that mixes a kind of Lovecraftian occult feel with an old-fashioned space opera.
As always, just my ignorant opinion,
Regards,
Nick
quote:
"There's two Centauri Stranglers," Hercules Moonsmasher insisted yet again.
My problem? "There's two." No there's not, although perhaps there are two. As a reader of SF I can suspend my disbelief about Centauri stranglers far more easily than I can suspend my disbelief about disagreement among persons, tenses or numbers.
Which are not real problems in dialogue; in fact, if you want everyone to know that Hercules is a big dumb jock, then it's just about perfect. But in the first sentence of your story, they can create an unfortunate first impression.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
[This message has been edited by Rob Roy (edited January 14, 2009).]
You would need to sustain the feel of it without it becoming tiresome (which it could easily become). The plot would need to be strong to sustain this type of graphic novel style as you don't have the benefit of artwork working for you. You would need equal measures of style and substance (don't all stories?).
With a necrometer humming in his hands, Quasar D'Arete leaned back in his leather chair and rested his boots on the autopsy table. The Centauri Strangler always killed in fours, and it's latest quartet of victims had been anonymously teleported into the morgue of Quasar's spaceship while they were still warm.
"There's two of them," Hercules Moonsmasher insisted yet again. "If it isn't rogue cyborgs or defective clones, then maybe it's evil twins?"
Quasar glanced up at his fellow mercenary in annoyance. A tiny curl of jet-black, grease-slicked hair dangled over the crosspiece of his omniscopic sunglasses as he raised his head.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 23, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 23, 2009).]
I am confused about the 'There's two of them' comment. Two stranglers? WHere did that come from?
Your prose has improved, Brant.
As he studied the screen of the handheld necrometer through his omniscopic sunglasses, Quasar D'Arete leaned back in his chair and rested his boots on the autopsy table. The Centauri Strangler always murdered in fours. The serial killer's latest quartet of victims had been anonymously teleported into the morgue of Quasar's spaceship while they were still warm.
"I'm telling you, Quasar," said Hercules, "There's two Centauri Stranglers. If it isn't rogue cyborgs or defective clones, then maybe it's evil twins?"
Quasar glanced up at his fellow mercenary in annoyance. A tiny curl of jet-black, grease-slicked hair dangled over the crosspiece of his dark spectacles as he raised his head.
I changed the first line because I didn't feel the other one had enough hooks, although I'm afraid the new one might be overladen. Hopefully Hercules' statements make sense now. I use the term "fellow mercenary" instead of partner because I don't want the readers to get the impression that Quasar and Hercules are doctors or detectives. Let me know if that works. Thanks in advance to anyone who can assist.
Weird as heck and hints at being funny - and make me a bit curious. I'll bite. Send it in. (warning: new critiquer)
~bb~
The break in speech doesn't need capitalisation as it is part of the same sentence, e.g.
"I'm telling you, Quasar," said Hercules, "there's two Centauri Stranglers."
Also the bit about the greasy curl of hair falling across the spectacles seems pointless. By pointless I mean you haven't given it much of a point. If, when it fell across the spectacles, the grease caused the omniscopic image to flare brightly in four dimensions or something then there would a point mentionning it.
Otherwise I like it still.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 27, 2009).]
Thanks, Skadder. Talk to you later.
Brant