Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pixie to the Rescue / fantasy flash/ first 13 lines

This is topic Pixie to the Rescue / fantasy flash/ first 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003418

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

first 13 lines and at 2100 words and looking for readers/// ver 1 /

quote:
Cornsilk reined in her dragonfly, Lightning, when he wanted so badly to give chase to the intruders. Her mount was one of the few left in the Pixie Air Corp.
The squidgets raided so frequently now she couldn't afford to allow him to get hurt or captured. Squidgets, the smallest trolls in all faerie. What they lacked in size they more than made up for in numbers.
“Nasty, hairy, smelly squidgets. I know you want 'em boy, we'll get 'em next time!” Cornsilk watched the last of them hop like toads from the dead log next to Treehome.
The ground force had held, stopping the squidgets on the log in front of Treehome before they got to the door at the base of the tree. Cornsilk didn't shoot her bow this last incursion,

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 14, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Do you ever finish any of these 13 line submissions, honu?

Pretty clear what is going on. Just a couple of nits...

quote:
Cornsilk reined in her dragonfly Lightning when he wanted so badly to give chase to the intruders.

Should be comma's around Lightning

quote:
He was one of the few left in the Pixie Air Corp.

Who is 'He'? The dragonfly or Pixie? If both change to 'They'.

quote:
Squidgets. The smallest trolls in all faerie.

Italicise Squidlets and change period to comma.

quote:
Still, what they lacked in size they more than made up for in numbers.

Cut 'Still,'

quote:
I know you want 'em boy, but we'll get 'em next time!”

Cut 'but'.

quote:
The ground force had held them,

Cut 'them'.

quote:
stopping the Squidgets on the log in front of Treehome before they even got to the door at the base of the tree.

Cut 'even'.

This jumped around a little bit but I still liked it. The idea I found hooky on its own.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thanks Snapper/// I finish all my stories ///try to get readers// then ship em off /// I have 12 in slush piles atm. ///this one is first draft ready at 2100 words and looking for readers if anyone is game/// thanks again for your input

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 14, 2009).]