Crackling leaves, Lor kneeled down before a faint oval-shaped imprint in the fallen foliage. Slowly he turned each leaf. The deer must have laid down here after Lor shot it. Surely, blood must mark this spot. Nothing. With a sigh he stood up. Another missed opportunity. And other wasted day.
As the sunlight slowly faded, Lor padded softly over the ground. His deft feet didn’t snap a single twig. He hoped that maybe his luck would turn. However, the darkness was eager to be let loose. Finally unstringing his bow, Lor admitted defeat. Avoiding holes and weaving through trees, Lor picked up to a brisk jog. His mind began to wander out through the forest. The trees had brought out their finest clothes: reds with browns and yellows or oranges.

Thank you again,
Turaith
 

I'll start be being broad. In adult writing, you want to make certain you don't use too many adverbs. You can typically identify these, if you're not an english junky, by the "Ly" at the end of the word. More technically put, they're words that modify verbs. [Forgive me if you already know what an adverb is. I'm not trying to insult you--hell, I didn't know what they were until I started writing myself. I just figured I'd explain it, just in case.]

So, how do you describe something if you can't use adverbs? You use a more powerful verb. For instance, instead of saying something like "He ran quickly", you could say "He sprint". This is, of course, just one example.

Note that, while you you should limit the use of your adverbs, that doesn't mean you can't use them at all. Just use them sparingly. This also gives them the benefit of having more "umph" when you do use them.

Now that I've said that I'll start getting down to a more specific critique.

quote:

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Crackling leaves, Lor kneeled down before a faint oval-shaped imprint in the fallen foliage.

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The bold part here, I feel, doesn't fit at the start of the sentence. Perhaps you could rearrange it to something like "Lor knelt down before a faint oval-shaped imprint, his weight crackling the fallen foliage."

quote:

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Slowly he turned each leaf. The deer must have laid down here after Lor shot it. Surely, blood must mark this spot. Nothing. With a sigh he stood up.

---

Under the bold, you can simply use "He", as there is not another character around making his name integral to clarity.

quote:

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Another missed opportunity. And other wasted day.

---

I don't feel the bold here works very well. Not that and can't be used at the start of a sentence, I just didn't feel it worked here. There's also a spelling error here you probably just missed in posting. I assume 'other', is meant to be 'another'.

You could, if you wanted, either replace the period here with a comma, and join the sentences. Or remove the "And", and have it read "Another wasted day".

quote:

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As the sunlight slowly faded, Lor padded softly over the ground.

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I don't really think padded verb works here. I could be wrong, though. See what others say.

quote:

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He hoped that maybe his luck would turn.

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I don't feel 'maybe' is needed in this sentence.

quote:

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However, the darkness was eager to be let loose. Finally unstringing his bow, Lor admitted defeat.

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I don't feel 'finally' is needed in the second sentence here. Furthermore, you can change "Lor" to "He", as he is the only character in this passage.

quote:

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The trees had brought out their finest clothes: reds with browns and yellows or oranges.

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I feel the bold here should be changed to 'and'.

All in all, I liked the read. The story doesn't lack hooks, and pulls me in fairly well. You're definitely well on your way, so keep it up.

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 16, 2009).]
 

A guy called Lor can't find the deer he shot (or thought he shot). It's getting dark; he has to go home empty handed.

Plus there is a bit of description. Hook? Can't find one, unless the fact he can't find any blood from the deer is meant to be a hook, but Lor seems to deal with this fairly matter of factly.

Surely, blood must mark this spot. Nothing. With a sigh he stood up. Another missed opportunity. And other wasted day.

There are no real unanswered questions, no sense of excitement, no mysteries to solve, no conflicts to resolve (except hunger).

I think you have started your story in the wrong place. Start the story at the point when something out of the ordinary happens. If you have done this (he can't locate the deer) then create a stronger sense of mystery in your MC, create some threat, some conflict--make me care. As it stands, it is mundane. Hunters often fail to get their quarry--its not unusual.

If your hunter fired the arrow and the deer fell to the ground, but by the time Lor approached the spot, the deer was nowhere to be found--no tracks leading away--nothing. That is a mystery. If there are tracks then the mystery of the deer is solved--it wasn't as injured as Lor thought.

You'd be better off starting with him stalking the deer.

PS. Does your hunter find a dragon's egg?

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 16, 2009).]
 

Definitely agree with Skadder; either move the story back (so that we get the tension of wondering whether he will catch the deer) or forward (so he finds the dragon's egg, fights off monsters, etc.) to the turning point of the story. Landscape/surrounding description usually doesn't work well for a short story and it's not an unusual enough landscape to warrant the time spent on it.

Is the scenario that Lor is sure he's hit the deer or is it that he's unsure? I don't hunt, so I could be wrong here, but bow hunting wouldn't imply that he's well within eyesight range? He could either see it hits the deer or see where his arrow fell. A quick wikipedia search on long bows revealed that the maximum range is about 160m and that's shooting without much accuracy. For hunting, I'd guess that the deer would have to be closer if he wanted a reasonable chance of hitting it and, as such, he'd be able to see whether he hit it or not.

Regards,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited January 16, 2009).]
 

No, Lor doesn't discover a dragon egg, but I take your point there as well; especially with that book being so famous.

I will be re-writing that opening soon. Hopefully more people will comment .