On a side note, I just have to ask, because I can't figure it out for myself... What is with all the slashes in your responses?
(I'm not trying to come off as overly critical or anything, I genuinely just don't understand.)
quote:ver 2 /
I met the love of my life while hiking a segment of the Pacific Crest Trail. After I'd hiked through the Cascade Lakes area, I turned towards Crater Lake. It was to be the final destination of my trip and I was making up a little time by hiking by headlamp.
The night was only partly cloudy and the well-worn trail was easy to follow. I planned on pitching my ultra-light tent and turn in for the night after another hour of hiking.
Off in the distance to the south, in the direction I was headed, there was some lightning. There would probably be some fires since it had been a dry summer and fall. I always enjoyed hiking in fire season. It was a thrill to see nature's fury when fire moved through an area.
quote:
Mom said some day I'd meet a girl that I'd want to introduce to her. I finally did. I never thought she'd be from another planet though.
I met this love of my life while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. After I'd ambled through the Cascade Lakes area, I turned towards Crater Lake. It was the final destination of my trip and I was traveling by headlamp.
The night was partly cloudy and the well-worn trail was easy to follow. I planned on pitching my ultra-light tent and turn in for the night after another hour of trekking.
In the distance to the south there was lightning. There would be some fires since it'd been a dry summer and fall. I enjoyed hiking in fire season. It was thrilling to see nature's fury when fire moved through an area.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 19, 2009).]
There are a couple of changes you could make, though. Try to use another word besides hike, such as strolling, climbing, tramping, perhaps exploring. Also I would simply state that I was hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, rather than a segment of it. It seems more direct that way.
Also, you used some form for the word 'hike' five times in the first thirteen. You should probably vary that a little. It was rather distracting.
I'd recommend a revision where something more exciting happens.
Great title and that will get you a long way, but I think you've chosen the wrong starting point for this story. As Bycin has noted, nothing really happens in the first 13. As both have noted, a bit of variation in word choice will help.
Regards,
Nick
2600 words and looking for readers [This message has been edited by honu (edited January 19, 2009).]
I'd recommend getting the alien girlfriend in a little sooner, maybe by combining your first couple sentences.
"My mother always said I would introduce her to the girl of my dreams, but neither of us imagined she'd be from another planet."
Just a suggestion, of course.
On a side note, I just have to ask, because I can't figure it out for myself... What is with all the slashes in your responses? (I'm not trying to come off as overly critical or anything, I genuinely just don't understand.)