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“Am I dreaming?”
Surprised at hearing a voice, Lieutenant Everett Monson banged his head on the top of the ship’s access panel. He had thought himself alone in the docking bay, this late at night.
He rubbed the sore spot and turned to see an android below the fighter’s wing. It shouldn’t have been there. In its nakedness, it appeared almost human: supple synthetic skin, genuine human hair, a perfect illusion except for its neutered groin and eyes. No manufacturer yet had managed to replicate human eyes.
The work droid had arrived with a shipment from Mars that afternoon. Nine others stood in a neat line along the
Good start, I'd read on.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 27, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 27, 2009).]
quote:
“Am I dreaming?”Surprised at hearing a voice, Lieutenant Everett Monson banged his head on the top of the ship’s access panel. He had thought himself alone in the docking bay, this late at night.
I had no idea who said "Am I dreaming?". When the robot was introduced, I thought it might be him, but I still wasn't certain. This irritated me a little bit, and if I were reading it as a reader, I might have stopped in frustration.
Is there a reason for not stating the robot says it?
This could just be personal preference, but it also looks like Brant had the same feelings.
As far as the hook goes, I too was hooked by the manufacturers not replicating human eyes. I think the main hook is supposed to be about the robot and his dream. But because I was unsure it was the robot saying it, it didn't hook me.
Keep at it. If you want someone to crit the entire thing when its finished, send it along. I'd be more than happy to help.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 27, 2009).]
First, Ditto with Gan about the first line. It would work well if it was an opening shot of a movie, but a reader's got nothing but the words to go by. I was doing two things instead of reading on: trying to picture who would say that and how does he/she/it sound like. Maybe add an 'it said' and some description of a voice. That's all I got.
In the second paragraph, try this and see if you like: read it without the word 'surprised.' I think it still says the same thing and works implicitly. (Also should it be 'hearing a voice' or 'hearing the voice'? Not sure myself...)
The rest reads fine though I felt no real hook to read on. Monson didn't seem too surprised about a dreaming robot (which I assumed was significant for an android to say). But we do know he was more concerned that it shoudn't be there. The next line or so should have briefly explained why.
Once we learn the gist of why it shouldn't be there, then we (the readers) focus on learning about the android. Here the rest of your lines come into play.
I can crit for ya, though my plate theses days are fairly full. If you're okay with waiting a couple of weeks or so, then send it on.
Hope that helped.
I disagree with the others though. I have no problem with that first line and I think it's rather clear by the MC's action that the voice is not from Lieutenant Everett Monson. It is implied that it may be from the android but we can find that out soon enough.
I suggest you not bother clarifing the voice. The mystery of it's orgin is hooky enough for me.
Original:
“Am I dreaming?”
Surprised at hearing a voice, Lieutenant Everett Monson banged his head on the top of the ship’s access panel. He had thought himself alone in the docking bay, this late at night.
I would do more 'showing' here. Ex:
quote:"Am I Dreaming?"
Everett Monson jumped so hard he banged his head on the ship's access panel.
I think this does the job of showing that Everett was surprised. He'd obviously thought himself alone, or he wouldn't have banged his head. The part about it being late can come out in conversation when he asks the person/robot/alien/whatever himself.
Original:
He rubbed the sore spot and turned to see an android below the fighter’s wing.
It shouldn’t have been there.
Proposed:
quote:
He massaged the sore spot and turned to where he'd heard the voice come from.
An android stood below the fighter's wing.
Original:
In its nakedness, it appeared almost human: supple synthetic skin, genuine human hair, a perfect illusion except for its neutered groin and eyes. No manufacturer yet had managed to replicate human eyes.
The work droid had arrived with a shipment from Mars that afternoon. Nine others stood in a neat line along the
Proposed:
quote:
The machine appeared almost human in it's nakedness. Supple, synthetic skin, natural flesh tone, authentic human hair...if it weren't for the ken-doll like groin, the illusion it created would have been perfect. Except for the eyes; the eyes were [add description here] ; no manufacturer had yet to genuinely replicate human eyes. Everett watched as the android stood harmlessly under the plane's wing. It should not have been there.
The work droid had arrived from Mars that afternoon, in a shipment with nine others.. The rest stood in a neat line along the
I'm not sure if you're going for suspense but I think adding the "It shouldn't have been here" closer to the end increases the tension. What is the android doing under the wing? I know I also left off the rank, but I feel that can come up in conversation as well. This is just a personal preference, but when I hear rank used to introduce a character, it throws me out of the story. This could be my military background coming to play so feel free to disregard as I have and obvious bious.
All that being said, I would read on a bit to see what was up with the robot. the next few paragraphs would be crucial to me buying the book. That and the blurb on the back cover ;-)
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 03, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 03, 2009).]
I was mildly puzzled by a couple of things. First, did he bang his head accidentally, or intentionally? I'm puzzled because he's banged his head on the top of the access panel and I can't imagine where his head is in relation to the access panel. Surely he'd see something that's on top?
Second, "The work droid had arrived ..." seems to be information known to Monson, so the shift from surprise to full knowledge doesn't quite fit the feeling of his surprise.
I like "It shouldn't have been there," for the sentence is consistent with his surprise.
Also, I liked "No manufacturer yet had managed to replicate human eyes," because (and maybe this is just me) I was expecting something like "No manufacturer yet had managed to replicate human genitals," and the reference to eyes was not only amusing, but, I thought, eyes probably would] be one of the hardest things to replicate.
I'll read if you'd like me to.