This is topic Rewrite request / The Last Ship From Garan / first 13 / readers wanted in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
guys I got a rewrite request so I am going to fly this by you again and hope for crits and readers///3300 words thanks ver 1 /
quote:Lisaan gazed out from the observation dome at her planet receding below her. Through her tears, she saw the beginning of the explosions as the planets core pushed its way to the surface. The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that the planet never recovered. Garan looked like a blue and brown egg that was hatching. Magma poured through the cracks then quickly covered the entire planet. There was a collective gasp as Garan flared in brightness to nearly the level of its sun.. Nothing lived there anymore. * * * Lisaan woke from a nightmare where she turned away in panicked flight from fiery fissures that opened in every direction .
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 29, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 29, 2009).]
Posted by Takayuki_Shibou (Member # 8456) on :
Lisaan gazed out from the observation dome at her planet receding below her. Through her tears, she saw the beginning of the explosions as the planets core pushed its way to the surface.(1) The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly that when it hit, that the planet never recovered. Garan looked like a blue and brown egg that was hatching. Magma poured through the cracks then quickly covered the entire planet. There was a collective gasp as Garan flared in brightness, nearly the level of its sun.(2) Nothing lived there anymore.(3) * * * Lisaan woke from a nightmare where she turned away in panicked flight from fiery fissures that opened in every direction . There'd been nowhere left to land! It was the most common dream among the ship's inhabitants for the past year
I thought the imagery here was really well done, but there were some parts that I might've changed. The italicized parts are the parts I'd nix or change, and the bolded ones are the ones I liked.
(1): I'd rewrite it instead of nix it. The beginning of this sentence was nice, but it started to fade afterward. Maybe, "She saw as the planet erupted with explosions of magma."
(2):I'd change it to something like "Mimicking the brightness of the sun nearby," or something to that extent.
(3): I'd take this out, only because if the planet was gone, this statement would be kind of redundant.
I'd keep reading though, apocalyptic dreams are always interesting. Remember too, that this is only my opinion. ^.^
Posted by Mom1Sharon (Member # 8244) on :
Lisaan gazed out from the observation dome at her planet receding below her. Through her tears, she saw the beginning of the explosions as the planets core pushed its way to the surface. (planet's, not planet. I don't like pushed, you haven't yet mentioned the cracks and I picture a little mole-like core pushing through the earth. Maybe something like "the planet's core rose...or escaped through the mantle cracks.) The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that the planet (had) never recovered. Garan looked like a blue and brown egg that was hatching. Magma poured through the cracks then quickly covered the entire planet. (OK, a hatching egg has parts of the shell lifting. Build on that..."the magma lifted the planet's crust, poured out the cracks, and quickly covered the entire surface.") There was a collective gasp as Garan flared in brightness to nearly the level (level makes me think of position, not brightness. Maybe "Garan flared in brightness to nearly equal [or duplicate, or something] its sun. Or more simply, "Garan flared until it was nearly as bright as its sun") of its sun.. Nothing lived there anymore. (I agree...this is redundant. Maybe, if you want to emphasize the destruction, you could simply say "the planet was dead." * * * Lisaan woke from a (the?) nightmare where she (had) turned away in panicked flight from fiery fissures that opened in every direction . There'd been nowhere left to land! It was the most common dream among the ship's inhabitants for the past year
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
ver 1 /