This is something I'm playing around with at the moment. I know the entire story but don't have it all on paper, so-to-speak. This is all I have so far. Just the first 13. So right now, I'd like to know if it hooks your interest more than anything else. Crits are welcome, too, but this is a very rough first draft. See what you think:
Jeram stared at his breakfast and listened to the rest of the family munch away in a strained silence. “I better be going,” he said. “Master Yanar will be waiting.”
“Not until you eat something,” Father said.
“But Chief Tokar will be gone for days, and since Toka was shunned this morning that leaves,” derision rose in Jeram’s throat,” Delan as acting chief.”
“Delan was within his rights.” Father said.
“Delan is a power hungry fool.” The words left his mouth before he could stop them.
“Enough!” Father’s fist slammed into the table. “Toka would still be his father’s heir if not for that Earther woman. She must learn her place if he insists on having her as his mate.”
Please scroll down to post #7 for the latest version on this story
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited February 08, 2009).]
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
The main thing that bothers me is that I don't get the connection from "Not until you eat something" to the discussion of the new chief. That jump left me scratching my head.
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
The writing itself is fine, but I'm not connecting very well to this. You seem to be using dialogue to introduce a lot of exposition right at the front of the story when you might do better to introduce your characters or jump into some action. I get the feeling there's a political conflict going on, but I don't have the background on that conflict to understand what the characters are talking about. Lots of names are thrown out in quick succession. And none of it seems to have much to do with the characters sitting at the breakfast table.
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
I'm trying to introduce a conflict through Jeram and his family that will be resolved as the story unfolds. Evidently, it's not working too well. Sounds like I might need to try a different approach.
Thanks for the feedback.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Why not start with the shunning. That appears to be where the conflict starts--or comes to the surface, anyway.
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
Perhaps stating the obvious.
Even though you as the writer completely understand what's happening, you have to free your mind of that to 'see' what others are going to see. That, of course, is one of the toughest aspects of the game. This is an issue for all writers and often for well published and respected authors. Bradbury was famous for having over 3000 stories that were never published because they just didn't work anywhere but his head. Sometimes I have to leave something for weeks and come back to it just to get a glimpse of how it floats.
Unfortunately this story is coming across as just confusing at the start. I suspect, it will need to unfold more logically.
Tracy
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
Okay, let's try this. It was my original version, but I was looking for a way to shorten the story's length without including the council meeting. From everyone's comments, it would seem that this approach may be the best one after all. See what you think, and remember that this is still rough draft:
Jeram’s heart gave one strong thump when the back door released a loud click. He tossed a quick glance across the kitchen toward the light coming from the family room. A soft, relieved sigh passed his lips with the continuation of his parent’s conversation. He turned to step outside, and sucked in a startled gasp at a hand that fell on his shoulder.
“And just where do you think you’re going?” A voice whispered in his ear.
He looked over his shoulder to see his sister glare back at him. “Where do you think?” His voice matched hers. “The Council will be discussing Toka’s future tonight.”
“Can’t you wait with the rest of us to hear their judgment?”
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
A billion times better. I see the scene.
Most door handles won't click when you open them so your readers may think that you mean clicked closed at first. It caused me to read it twice.
The writing has gravity though, so its a good start.