Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Changegate Three" / 1000 word flash in series

This is topic "Changegate Three" / 1000 word flash in series in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003477

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Here's number three in the series//does it hook? ver 1

quote:
I think I was Darren, or was it, Derek? Anyway, I was once human. I flew a scout ship. I landed on a world searching for something. I can't remember what. I went through some sort of door and now I'm a leopard-beast. I'd lost track of the number of moons that I'd been here. Surely it was over a year by now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through a door...gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate. There's one on this world too. I laid in my sleeping crook of the largest tree in sight and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders. I snarled as rovers exited the protective canopy of the nearby forest and moved into my territory. I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day because

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 13, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 13, 2009).]

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

Nice work. I definitely feel the hook here. A couple of things jumped out at me but they're mostly personal preference stuff. I liked the 1st line.

quote:

I think I was Darren... or maybe it was, Derek? Anyway, I was once human. I flew a scout ship. I landed on a world searching for something. I can't remember what. I went through some sort of door and now I'm a leopard-beast.

1) I would make this say:
I think I was Darren, or was it, Derek? Once, I was human. When I landed on this world, I was searching for something. I can't remember what that was. I went through a [something descriptive here- like 'glowing] door and now I'me a leopard beast.

Again, this is all personal preference on my part. As is, the sentences seem to be the 'voice' of your story/character.

quote:

I'd lost track of the number of moons that I'd been here. Surely it was over a year by now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through a door...gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate. There's one on this world too.

2) How about:
It must have been over a year now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through thedoor...wor was it a gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate[way???].
The last sentence: "there's one on this world, too" we already know because he's gone through it.

quote:

I laid in my sleeping crook of the largest tree in sight and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders. I snarled as rovers exited the protective canopy of the nearby forest and moved into my territory. I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day because they sometimes dropped a haunch of whatever they had killed for me.

3) I laid in my sleeping crook on the largest tree in the region, and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders.

I loved the last few sentences. especially I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day.... I found these last sentences to be the most intriguing. I would definitely keep reading this story.