Hey all, this is a concept I'm trying to work on. Does it grab you? Should I edit? Revise? Throw it out the window and start anew? What are your thoughts? It's a flash fiction.
No breath escaped my lungs. No motion flooded my limbs. No sound graced my ears. No sight blessed my eyes. Tears and frost waltzed and fused into one being that star-kissed night. Behind that thick glacial coffin, I lie reminiscing of a time before, one which flourished with warmth and glee. You were beautiful then. Amber hair that kissed your shoulders with ever step, eyes as clear and cool as mountain spring water, skin soft to the touch; I loved you. Every stolen kiss, every hand-in-hand stroll, every shared laugh and sigh, I saw as love in it's purest form. Thinking of it now ignites a passion within... We loved life and could've died at that very moment, together and happy... Yet you seemed to lack something that others had before: Balance.
[This message has been edited by Takayuki_Shibou (edited February 19, 2009).]
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
Not my field to be honest. I did notice one thing that life has taught me, though. If you are speaking romantically of a woman you should speak of her appearance as a secondary thing. It should not be the main focus. Yes, yes, I know Solomon did it but he also said a lot about her other qualities, like loyalty and her unwavering devotion to her simple shepherd boy. So what caused you to love her OTHER THAN THAT SHE IS HOT? Because if you go with the looks thing and mention nothing about her inner qualities, the dudes will all go, "hey, sounds romantic to me" and the woman will roll their eyes and say "Please, you wouldn't know romance if it smacked you up side your head."
Tracy
Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :
Hey back. Don't know anything about flash except it's short, so take me with a big spoonful of salt :-)
I like the poetry in your first paragraph, but it leaves me a bit confused. (I don't see how limbs can be flooded with motion, for example.) Is your narrator frozen? And if so, how can "tears and frost waltz" (a line I really enjoyed)? I guess when I read this, I'm not so interested in Amber so much as wondering what in the world is going on with our poor narrator. Oh, and I'm curious to know about "balance." That's what's hooking me more than the potential romance, at the moment.
Hope that helps some (any!) Cheers
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
If you haven't seen the latest "Madagascar 2" it's a must see to use a cartoon description of what tnwilz is saying....in it the hunky chiseled male hippo is describing his love(lust) interest Gloria in glowing hippo love-speak......chunky, huge, etc....while this happens the giraffe who has had a mad crush on her forever comes up and talks about her as someone who has come to know her inner qualities and likes/dislikes....even knowing she likes orchids
