Original:
After days of hibernation, it was taking a while for Ben to catch his regular pace. But at every step, with every sucking sound coming from the hydropads on the soles of his aching feet, he could feel the dizziness dissipating more and more. Covering his eyes, Ben moved his gaze in the cloudless sky. Tomorrow morning, he thought. A couple of hours in the open would be enough to get the batteries working. Then a good night’s sleep would handle the rest. And with his metabolism back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place.
He kept waddling for more than an hour, until beads of perspiration started forming on his forehead. Then he let his body fall, leaning his back against a rock. The sound of the river was like the song of a siren calling him back to the
Revised with clarifications:
After days of hibernation, it was taking a while for Ben to catch his regular pace. But at every step, with every sucking sound coming from the hydro-pads on the soles of his aching feet, he could feel the dizziness dissipating more and more. Covering his eyes, he moved his gaze in the cloudless sky. Tomorrow morning, he thought. A couple of hours in the open would be enough to charge his solar batteries completely. A good night’s sleep would handle the rest. Once his photosynthesis rate was back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place.
He kept waddling along the river bank for more than an hour, until beads of perspiration started forming on his forehead. Then he let his body fall, leaning his back against a rock. The sound of
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited February 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited February 23, 2009).]
I was not sure how clear I wanted to make it, but he has a photosynthesis cell installed in his body. (Hydropads sucks water in and the battery is charged with solar power etc)
Do you think making it more clear from the beginning would be better?
The main questions I have right now are: what woke him out of hibernation; and who is going to meet, where, why? So I guess, with your clarifications, that makes me hooked...
And I'd lose the "Then" at the beginning of the next sentence - it's not necessary. "A good night's sleep would..." is sufficient.
"And with his photosynthesis level back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place." --> Needn't begin with "And" - save that for when it really counts. "Once his photosynthesis level [not crazy about that word "level" - how about "rate"? It's a reaction, after all] was back to normal..."
Interesting concept, though.
When I first thought of this, I looked around and was not able to see much that builds on a similar concept in short stories.(There was actually one story, that had people evolving photosynthesis skin). But I still thought the idea may be a bit of a cliche. So is it not? Is there anyone who can point me to a related short story, so I don't end up just replicating an idea?