I hadn’t seen Mulls get so worked up over a pot of coffee in three years, though to be fair, these were the first beans on Virtuous II in almost eighteen months. He held the cup in trembling hands, not drinking, just smelling the aroma of the black brew.
“Mulls,” I said, “Get over the fact that you can justifiably call this a ‘coffee break’ and just drink that crap.”
“It’s coffee. For Christ’s sake, are you absolutely certain you’re human? I’ve been requisitioning the stuff for months.”
“How did you get enough signatures?” I hadn't signed, and couldn't think of anyone else who would.
“I got the Allothians to back me.” He sounded proud of himself.
“Allothians don’t drink coffee,” I reminded him. No one on Virtuous II did, except for Mulls
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited February 24, 2009).]
I don't see anything that justifies changing. It would be nit-picking at best. The first 13 is fine. However, an opening about long awaited coffee isn't what I would call an intriguing storyline.
This is hooky enough for me to keep reading, for awhile. Hope the pace picks up soon.
I hadn’t seen Mulls get so worked up over a pot of coffee in three years, though to be fair, these were the first beans on Virtuous II in almost eighteen months.This felt like a bit of a bait and switch, because the first part implies that the POV character doesn't know why he's excited (it sounds like there has been coffee this whole time, but somethings different now), then he goes on to say that he does indeed know why he's so excited. Suggestion: maybe the POV doesn't know why Mulls is so excited over this cup, then have Mulls tell him (in his first line of dialogue) that these are "real" beans: "It's coffee, real coffee, for Christ's sake...
He held the cup in trembling hands, not drinking, just smelling the aroma [of the black brew.]-Don't need this, we know what he's smelling.
“Mulls,” I said, “Get over the fact that you can justifiably call this a ‘coffee break’ and just drink that crap.”
“It’s coffee. For Christ’s sake, are you absolutely certain you’re human? I’ve been requisitioning the stuff for months.”
“How did you get enough signatures?” I hadn't signed, and couldn't think of anyone else who would.
“I got the Allothians to back me.” He sounded proud of himself.
“Allothians don’t drink coffee,” I reminded him. No one on Virtuous II did, except for Mulls
As I said, not many nits in the writing. I would read on because I appreciate the quality of the writing, but I'm not certain the hook is strong enough to grab an editor.
quote:
I loved this opening. I'm chuckling. Well done.
This.
quote:
not many nits in the writing. I would read on because I appreciate the quality of the writing, but I'm not certain the hook is strong enough to grab an editor.
And that
Tracy
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited February 26, 2009).]
Also, I rather liked the title of Virtuous II, it is an intriguing name for a blend of coffee.
[This message has been edited by bemused (edited February 26, 2009).]
Not a coffee drinker myself, but hook me up with some tea (real tea, and unflavored, I want to taste the leaves, not the peaches, that's why we have iced tea) and I am a happy man.