Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Orrery Man

This is topic The Orrery Man in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

This is an avant-garde, surreal space fantasy. It's finished, if anyone wants to give it a complete read. It's fairly mild for a "Danay", but it does have a tiny amount of sexual perversity.

Latest Revision:

He had possessed the greatest orrery on Earth, but he and his spinning replica of the solar system were Terrans no longer. As his observatory/monastery/spaceship, the Cosmogytron, launched through Earth's ionosphere and into the sidereal beyond, the Orrery Man meditated inside the incandescent sculpture of the Sun which formed the nexus of his model planets. Confined to the sphere of fire opal and molten gold, the Orrery Man felt as though he were being enlightened by a pulsating continuum of claustrophobias and claustrophilias. Like a hybrid of sensory deprivation chambers and sweat lodges it heightened his consciousness, until he could feel the rest of the orrery spinning around him, the mechanical orbits of the nine artificial planets and their one-hundred and seventy-five moons cycling through the planetarium chamber

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 08, 2009).]

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

Hey, I think you've got an interesting idea - an orrery as a spaceship - and it's very well written, but I'm not really connecting with your character (does the Orrery Man have a name?) or feeling any sense of peril/conflict/urgency yet.

Is this launch particularly dangerous? The triumphant of a long series of trials and tribulations? Ordinary hum-drum? What does the OM think about what he's doing? You've mentioned it's an orrery/monastery - is he the only one in it? Is he a monk? Striving for enlightenment (and if so, is he succeeding/failing)?

But for all my quibbles, I'd probably keep reading for another page, because the orrery-spaceship idea does form a pretty cool image in my head.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Thanks for the response. Wow, that sure is a lot of questions! I'm not sure I could fit all that into thirteen lines, but it would definitely be an interesting challenge!

The Orrery Man is not a warm and fuzzy guy, so I don't know that you'll be able to connect with him. He's not evil, just a tad...obsessed.

My verbose and descriptive style doesn't always let me answer all the questions you've asked in the first thirteen lines, but they are all addressed in fairly short order. I know that's meaningless if an editor's already given up because they weren't answered on the first page, but that's how I roll

I've posted a slightly revised version above.

Thanks again. Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 08, 2009).]

Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :

>observatory/monastery/spaceship

Pick one. The / / interrupts the flow, feels too intrusively authorial (to me).

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Thanks, Troy. You'll be happy to note that the spaceship has been christened the Cosmogytron. The description with the slashes will only be appearing this one time and never again for the rest of the piece. I felt it was important to express the multiple-yet-simultaneous nature of his vessel, although I could also go with "His spaceship, the Cosmogytron, was a flying hybrid of monastery and observatory", instead of the more avant-garde triple-slash frenzy. Opinions welcome.

Latest revision is now featured in the first post.

Thanks everyone. Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 08, 2009).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Orrery man, orrery man, doing the things an orrery can...

The hook here seems to be the spaceship thingie. I'm pretty intrigued and would read on. Send it along, if you like, but it will probably take me a while to get it back to you.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

You've got mail!

It's funny you made that song up, because I just got feedback the other day saying this piece would make a good graphic novel. He's more of a supervillian than a superhero. Anti-hero at best.

Thanks for offering to read. Best regards,

Brant

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Actually, I had the tune of They Might Be Giants' Particle Man song going through my head at the time. Received your email, will read shortly.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 09, 2009).]