Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sole Soul

This is topic Sole Soul in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003544

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Well, This one is about as hard SF as I have ever written. I am burning to hear the reviews.

Probatur Conqeustos 7-1227 initiated its scheduled mobilization at Mission Point 17:02:22:00:01, instantly and simultaneously recording; planetary surface coordinates, barometric, temperature, and chemical analysis and became aware that its leg had been engulfed in a shiny metallic Gallium stalactite twisting down from the otherwise snowy pearl-white formations of the caves mouth.
Protocal dictated that it remove its leg and construct a new one from the depot pod, which Probatur was in process of when it noticed a centiflagellus, approximately thirty meters long, undulating down from the liquid sky outside the mouth of the cave to the milky sulphuric sea below. Recording visual imagery, it speculated the creature would soon fall prey as did

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

Probatur Conqeustos 7-1227 I stumbled here. I wonder if the Conquestos is unnecessary at this point.
17:02:22:00:01, I got stuck a little here. I first skimmed over it ("too many numbers") then came back thinking it was a date & time, but finding its format unfamiliar wondered why it's there.
The opening is a run-on sentence. What is the objective of the sentence - it initiated its mobilization, it is recording this list of things simultaneously, or it became aware of this extra stuff? Should there be a period after the Mission Point number?
instantly seems superfluous. If it's doing it simultaneously, and the story is relating what it's doing at that instant in time, then isn't it instantly by definition?
barometric, temperature it is more correct to say Barometric Pressure than just 'Barometric'.
shiny seems... out of place for some reason, perhaps due to the language usage elsewhere. It could be just that I've run out of coffee.
Protocal Protocol? Or is this a new term?
...which Probatur was in process of when it... For some reason, this confused me on the first read, but was crystal clear later. Perhaps my fault, but perhaps 'depot pod. Probatur was in the process of doing this, when...' makes the subject of the sentences clearer.
it speculated seems out of character given the very terse description and unimaginative behavior of the character up to this point. Should the character not be truly sentient, perhaps 'its speculation module hypothesized' or something similar would fit its earlier by-the-book behavior.
Speculated also doesn't seem to fit the sentence opening, where you say it's "Recording visual imagery". Recording doesn't imply observing, so speculating on what's recorded is not logical - speculating on what's observed may well be (we have to observe a recording to make deductions from it, as would a computer).

Overall, I found some of the description too unwieldy and a bit of a turnoff. I'm perhaps not well enough informed about different SF genres, but I always thought 'hard sf' was more about getting the science right than terse description. People in your hard-sf universe will still use 'common' phrases for their universe, calling a plane a plane, rather than an 'intra-atmospheric personnel transport utilizing the bernoulli principle'.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Bent Tree,

This doesn't seem as smoothly written as most of your openings. It's a difficult read. The 1st 13 consist of three monster sentences and I think you'd be much better served breaking each distinct thought/idea into a separate sentence.

Leading without a character is a risk. I don't think the science is enough to compensate; I'd get closer to the "hard SF" in the story in order to hook my interest.

Anyway, send it through.

Nick

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Information overload on this one. I agree with Ben that the numbers at the top get in the way of the flow. Together with the lengthy sentences, the spelling and punctuation errors got in the way. (e.g. protocal, caves mouth)

To me the style was mixed up. You've got the start with the probe ID and precise time/date stamp melding together with this liquid sky/centiflaggelus thing going on. Is the probe hesitating heading for the depot pod because of the centiflaggelus's imminent demise? Why would that stop it? There is no drama or tension here, just observation, even with the stuck leg.

I need a bit more tension to move forward.

Sorry to be so negative on this one.

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

Hi there,

I too found the first sentence could be broken up. I think for me to get a buzz about reading on, the probe might have to be anthropomorphised a bit. Maybe have it noticing an error message, try to pull the leg, run a programme to deal with odd situations, decide on a course of action, analyse the stalagtite, attempt another tug...

I have just written something incredibly dull. Sorry. But there are a lot of actions you could play with. Please ignore me if my suggestions are not where you want to take the story.

How does a leg become engulfed? The word engulfed seems a slow one to pick, as stalagtites (in my imagination) grow slowly.

I like the cutting the leg off, but imagined the depot pod would be a distance away. Is it carried? How then is it a depot?

Is the sky literally liquid? We are obviously in a strange place so metaphors would be confusing, and I wondered.

It's a fascinating world you have created. If I had more of the probe's reactions to its environment, or a stronger sense of the tone of the POV, I wouldn't feel so lost.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I don't usually explain my intros as it is counter productive to candid reviews, but I see a problem I need to correct and could use a new perspective. The probe is in fact a AI droid and is the MC of the story. I intended on this evolving through out the story but it seems to be a point of contention.

Any thoughts?

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

The probe is in fact a AI droid and is the MC of the story. I intended on this evolving through out the story...

I assume the 'in fact' is the evolution you want to show, and it's some aspect of the AI/droid that should be revealed to the reader.

I'm overstepping my bounds here I think, but I'd imagine it goes one of two ways:
Starts as rigid, rule based machine relating a rigid, rule based journal -> evolves to -> a more sentient, perceptive, anthropomorphic perspective.
or
Starts from a sentient, anthropomorphic perspective -> evolves to -> realisation that it's a rigid, rule based machine.

If that's the case, I personally imagine either could work well, but would require some effort to keep the writing in character, and some reasonably plausible events to justify the gradual changes in character. Sounds challenging! :)