Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Planet Brahma. A sci fi goof turned real story

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Posted by ralphfoxchase (Member # 8536) on :

In a writing class, one student who I was close to was slammed by another for having her aliens too much like humans. I sent her a beginning of a story with aliens who were very much not humanoid, just to lift her spirits. Well she and several others liked it and prodded me to complete it in a serious way. Here's the first 13.

You have found my data chips. Hello, my name is Scrap Stonington. I was a Terrestrial Bioscience Engineer with the Walton III Project in my early years. I was born on Artimus, a Thresher Class exploration star-ship charged with investigating Pangaea-like planets. We were to search for and study life forms as well as assess raw materials. I was prepared for life on this planet, but not the events that developed later. We named the largest of the species, Pothos. They are slightly less than two meters tall. Their bodies are like plants with branches, leaves and roots. They have no head, no eyes, no mouth nor hair. They get their nutrients directly from the dense clouds of particulates in the constant winds of Brahma. I have spent most of my life with one of them. And…she is sentient. She is Quin. She is my wife.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

The idea is a good one, but there is quite a bit of exposition to get through before you get to the hook. It's a long, long wait.

I would read further just to find out why he would take a Pothos for a wife rather than for a friend.

Posted by ralphfoxchase (Member # 8536) on :

Well I guess that should have stayed a goof. LOL I'll rustle around and see about trying another 13 from another story. Thanks for the input, I agree with your critique and will re-do it. Thats the nice thing about sharing your ideas.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
You have found my data chips. Hello, my name is Scrap Stonington.

This is an interesting beginning, but I cannot help but wonder whom or what has found the data chip, and also whether or not the story would be better told from that viewpoint.

quote:
I was a Terrestrial Bioscience Engineer with the Walton III Project in my early years. I was born on Artimus, a Thresher Class exploration star-ship charged with investigating Pangaea-like planets. We were to search for and study life forms as well as assess raw materials. I was prepared for life on this planet, but not the events that developed later. We named the largest of the species, Pothos. They are slightly less than two meters tall. Their bodies are like plants with branches, leaves and roots. They have no head, no eyes, no mouth nor hair. They get their nutrients directly from the dense clouds of particulates in the constant winds of Brahma.

This is a pure body of exposition and seems too abbreviated to be a direct quote or information being retrieved from this data chip.

quote:
I have spent most of my life with one of them. And…she is sentient. She is Quin. She is my wife.

This is interesting also, but isn't quite the effective hook I would be looking for. The reason isn't that it is unapealing, but more that it hasn't been set up properly.

As I mentioned, I cannot help but wonder if this tale is being told from the wrong viewpoint. It could work, but if the sole theme is a flashback, then it has the potential to seem a little one dimentional as it appears to me hear.

Candidly, I feel like you have a really interesting premise here but may need to take a step back and develop it a bit more.

I'd begin with a few questions. Who's story is this? Is it the discovery of an explorers digital diary? That in itself is a great Idea but I think it may be compounded to make it more appealing. For example, if this secondary exploration reveals this disk, what circumstances lead to that point? Do they have the potential to save the secondary explorers from a similar fate as the current narrator. There is alot of potential there to develop a more complex theme.

I also think once this is established, a new moment of incitement may be in order. As I mentioned The opening lines were interesting, but they raised a great many questions about who found them, and perhaps it needs to be set up better from another viewpoint.

I hope my rambling makes some sense. I am still a little sleepy.

Best of luck. I will be glad to look over what you have if you'd like.

Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :

In looking through the short story fragments posted here and looking for plot-diminishing factors, I was surprised to see several commonalities. In many, exposition, summarization, and introspection narrative modes merge into a chorus introduction that doesn't first effectively portray a compelling cause for the characters' dramatic movement. By and large, they all begin with an effect without a preceding cause.

A character/narrator summarizing introductions at the beginning of a story is unlikely to create reader resonance without first showing a causal stimulus that makes the summary essential information.

Same with introspection. Accessing a character's thoughts without showing a causal reason for the thoughts begins with an effect.

In a broad definition, all story is exposition, which has a purpose of narratively conveying dramatic information. In a narrow definition, exposition's purpose "is to inform, explain, analyze, or define." * Without a preceding dramatic cause, an expository introduction is untimely and not likely to intrigue readers.

Other narrative modes include; description, action, sensation, recollection, and emotion. Recollection and emotion also, to my thinking, require a preceding cause. Also to my thinking, description, action, and sensation are the narrative modes of causes, at least for first causes. However, not exclusively so. If studying narratology and reading all the stories I have has taught me anything, it's that there are no absolutes, save the one, that there are no absolutes.

Another commonality in many of these fragments, parallel to and yet separate in a subtle way from the above, is how they mostly lack or sometimes jumble influx and efflux of compelling stimulus.

A commonly cited example of causation, simple exposition but an effective summarization: The king died. Out of grief, the queen died. The king's death caused the queen's death. The king's death is the influx stimulus for the queen's grief. Her death is the efflux caused by her grief. Simple dramatic movement through causation, yet limited in resonance's sympathy and suspense, tension, and limited in antagonism.

The question foremost in my mind about "Planet Brahma" is what's Scrap Stonington's compelling stimulus?

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiction-writing_modes

Posted by Paladis (Member # 8535) on :

I wanted to post "bulging eyes" but It's not an option, but I do see the eek option so i will use it here:

I think I understand what you're saying but man did that hurt my head. I haven't posted anything yet but when i do I will try to include cause and effect from the get go.

Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :

In a hopefully simpler version, cause precedes effect as form follows function. Beginning with thoughts might be an effect. No clear cause for the thoughts might be beginning in the middle of a sequence of causal circumstances. Backstory information conveyed as a thought, without establishing reader resonance through a cause, is like a parenthetical aside addressed directly to a reader, telling. And as an opening lacks preceding context for why the thoughts happened and why they matter to a reader. In that situation, I don't yet have a connection to a story or a character because I don't know why the backstory information is relevant.

Cause and effect are nonsequitor when they don't follow a logical, plausible sequence. One primary feature of logical, plausible causation is a bidirectional polarity of influx and efflux forces, in other words, antagonism. Influx: causal external forces that press inward. Efflux; causal internal forces that press outward.

In the opening of Lord of the Rings, Frodo wanting to have an adventure like Bilbo's is an internal force that effluxes and compels him into action, along with the external influxing forces of Gandalf's and the ring's compulsions.

[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited March 28, 2009).]

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

I'm not quite as euridite as extrinsic, but I think I generally agree with his line of thought, and some of the other posters comments.

Nothing happens. The narrator informs us he's presumably going to tell us a story after providing a brief resume and an expository summary of some of his work. That he married an alien species is mildly interesting from an intellectual perspective, but not a real grabber. Spock's parents married aliens too.

Not knowing how the plot unfolds, it is hard to make concrete suggestions, but maybe look to the point in the story where the character encounters a major problem to contend with and start there by showing us what it is he wants and why he can't have it without overcoming some significant obstacle, then let the story proceed as the struggle unfolds.