Original version:

“I’m breaking, can’t you see that.” Andy looked at the special investigator that sat across the table from him. He remembered waking up in St Mary’s hand cuffed to his bed. The police questioned him, and right away he knew that he had to tell his story. Time was running out for him.

“You seem fine to me,” said special investigator Sorren.

“But I’m not, maybe I was, but that was before.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“It’s all slipping away, like cards from a deck, one by one falling away.”

The clock at his back ticked with an ominous echo. He stared at the man who sat across the table from him. Sweat raced down his forehead, and onto the table. Investigator

2nd Version:
I can feel my memory slipping away like cards from a deck, one by one, falling away. The clock at my back ticked with an ominous echo, as sweat ran freely from my pores. I’m becoming paranoid, but with good reason.

“You said you were breaking…slipping away, why?” Officer Sorren, looked at me with what seemed to be genuine interest. When I woke up in St. Mary’s hospital the officers that questioned me offered only slighted grins.

“They thought I was unconscious, but I was aware. The portal they opened to this dimension led them to my room.”

“I see, and did these alternate dimensional beings make you do the things you did?” He leaned in waiting for my response.

“No, I did them of my own free will. I did it because it was

[This message has been edited by Paladis (edited March 30, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 31, 2009).]
 

Oh but watch out; you're much too long for posting.
~Sheena
 

IMHO, it still needs some tightening. IF the unraveling comes out with the memory loss right at the beginning it might help us get right with your MC at the start.

-Owasm